Courtesy Of Sirius…Or Was It Remus?
by ElvenMuggle
Summary: Sirius...Or Remus...Decide to lock Lily and James in a room in an attempt to finally bring them together. But, of course, the plan goes wrong and Lily, along with all of the marauders, all end up trapped. And then chaos ensues.
1. Chapter 1: The Plan

**Disclaimer: Anything you recognize doesn't belong to me, but to J.K. Rowling. I only own the plot.**

…**And in the First Hour…**

"Ok, so here's the plan. Peter? Peter are you listening?" Sirius waved a hand in front of Peter's face.

Peter nodded. "Uh, yeah—I'm just….Remind me what we're doing here again."

Remus sighed and slapped a hand to his forehead. The other two boys immediately shushed him. They had to be quiet after all. There was a large possibility that Lily Evans would come out of her dorm any minute to find the three boys standing outside of her door.

And if that happened they would have to explain what they were doing there talking in hushed voices and holding a jar of magical superglue. Not to mention HOW exactly they had gotten up the staircase to the girl's dorms.

"Peter, our pal Prongs wants Lily." Sirius explained in a low tone. "And she won't give him the time of day, so the answer to solving this problem is quite simple. We lock them in the room together for twenty four hours and see what happens."

"That's your plan?" Peter asked incredulously. "Lock them in the room together? How is that going to solve anything?"

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know….but I'm bored…and I kind of want to see what will happen."

Remus nodded in agreement. "And it's a perfect time to do it since its Easter and no one else is here!" He grinned mischievously. "Ok, so I'm going in there while you go get James." He told Peter. "While I distract Lily, Sirius will put the glue on the lock. Then when you bring James in, we'll run out and lock them in there."

Peter nodded. "Ok…Well, I get that Sirius is doing this because he's…well…Sirius, but why are you doing this?"

Remus gave him an innocent wide-eyed look. "Because I'm Remus."

Sighing, Peter turned and headed down to find James.

As soon as he entered the common room, he found James stepping through the portrait hole.

"There you are! Why did you guys ditch me at lunch?" James asked him.

"Uh-" Peter searched for an answer. He had forgotten that they had all up and left James at the lunch table without giving him a reason. "Remus…had a rash."

James stared at him. "_What_?"

Mentally slapping himself, Peter blushed at his lame attempt at lying. "Um…yeah. Remus had this thing on his-"

"PLEASE don't say-"

"ARM."

James continued to stare at him blankly. "Ok…that's just….weird."

"Anyway…" Peter shook his head. "We, er…took him up to Lily, and she's fixing him up right now."

James unconsciously started ruffling his hair. "Lily? Why not Madam Pomfrey?"

"Oh I don't know! Let's just go see how he's doing."

Meanwhile up in the girl's dorm, Sirius pressed himself to the wall next to the door, trying to keep out of sight while Remus knocked softly on the door.

"Come in!" Lily's voice came from inside sounding slightly harassed.

As Remus entered the dorm he found her searching through her trunk, red faced and hair a mess.

"Whoa," he breathed when he saw her.

"What?" She snapped at him. "Oh." She said when she noticed her reflection on the mirror on the opposite wall. She straightened her hair and stood up. "What's up?"

It was then that Remus realized he hadn't come up with anything to say to her. He inwardly cursed Sirius who he was sure was outside the door giggling right now.

Outside in the hall, Sirius giggled as he popped the lid off of the small tub of superglue.

Back in the dorm room, Remus thought quickly.

"Er…What are you looking for?" He motioned to her trunk.

Lily lifted an eyebrow at him. "My wand. Have you seen it?"

In fact he had. Sirius had nicked it earlier that day along with James's. But he kept his features smooth. "No. I'm sure it's around here somewhere though."

Lily nodded. "Yep…What did you need?"

Peter and James chose that moment to walk through the door. Sirius brought up the rear sending Remus a thumbs up. Since he had done it out there in the open, Lily caught this.

"What was that?" She looked between Sirius and Remus. "And why is everyone in my room?"

Sirius looked like a deer caught in headlights, Remus shrugged, Peter looked confused, and James was staring at Remus.

"You don't have a rash!" He pointed accusingly at Remus.

Remus blinked. "What?"

"Excuse me!" Lily spoke loudly, "Why is everyone in here?"

The three boys all stared at Lily and James for a few moments, looking extremely guilty. And then they all broke for the door at once. For a split second James looked at them like they were all crazy before making it to the door first (he had been closest to it all along) and slamming it shut before any of them could leave.

"OK, WHAT is going on?" He rounded on them all. "You're all wearing your guilty faces, so what have you done?"

The three boys stood side by side staring open mouthed at the closed door. This was NOT good.

Remus jerked his head at James, his mouth still open. "We…I…We um…"

Lily (who was still standing next to her trunk) stared confusedly at them all. "What's going on? Remus, what did you come in here for in the first place?"

Sirius smirked. "Yeah, Moony, what _did_ you come in here for?"

Remus took a second to glare at Sirius before turning to face Lily. "I was wondering if you would…um…help me with…something."

"What?"

"Homework." He said the first thing that came to his mind.

"But its Easter holiday…we don't have any homework."

"Right," Remus nodded. "And I remembered that when I came in here. Sorry."

Lily nodded slowly. "Ok…so…I guess you'll be going now?"

James started reaching for the door handle when Sirius screamed.

"NO!"

Again James and Lily stared at the three boys.

"No? Why not?" James asked Sirius.

The last thing any of the three boys wanted was for Lily to find out what they had been planning. And they were willing to bet that if she found out that she was going to be stuck in the room with them for the next twenty four hours she wasn't going to be too happy.

So now all they had to do was somehow keep her and James from walking out of the door. And also keep Lily from throwing any of them out.

"Because," Sirius told James, "Because I want to see Lily!" He turned and walked over to where Lily stood staring at him like he had grown a second head. "So, Lily…What's up?"

"I don't know, Black, why don't you tell me?"

"Sure. After you tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"Up. What is?"

"HUH?"

"Evans, I thought you were the smart one."

"What are you blathering on about?"

Sirius shrugged. "Whatever it was that was up."

Pressing two fingers to her temple Lily shook her head. "This is weird."

"I know you are but what am I?"

Sirius just barely managed to duck out of the way of her hand as it came swinging towards his face.

James sighed. "Ok, we're leaving now," Sirius's eyes widened as he made his way for the door again.

Suddenly, Sirius dropped the ground and started screaming and thrashing around like crazy.

Lily's mouth dropped open as she stared at him seemingly having some sort of fit. Peter's expression mirrored her own while Remus fought to keep a straight face. James, however, looked from him to the door suspiciously.

"Sirius, why don't you want me to leave?" He asked loudly to be heard over Sirius's screaming.

At this, the boy on the floor stopped and looked at him. "What are you prattling on about? I—er—I-"

James grabbed the door handle and pulled and—nothing happened. He tried again with the same result.

He swung around and stared at them. "What have you done?"

Lily made her way over and tried the door also. "What? WHAT?" She rounded on the boys who all backed away from her, wide-eyed. "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

They all stared before Sirius burst out—"IT WAS PETER'S IDEA!"

James and Lily turned to Peter who was staring at Sirius with his mouth open. "You—you liar! It was your idea!"

From in-between them, Remus nodded. "So, I guess we've concluded that it wasn't my idea?" He asked hopefully.

Both boys pointed at Remus at once and said in unison, "It was HIS idea!"

"I DON'T CARE whose idea it was!" Lily snapped, "Just get it open. You have your wand don't you?"

Remus nodded and reached for his pocket. "Yeah it's right-" he patted around his pants, searching for his wand, "oh my."

Lily took a deep breath to calm her self. "Ok, James, Peter, Sirius? Surely one of you has a wand."

James nodded. "Yeah, I always keep it-" he reached around in search for his wand that unbeknownst to James had been taken by Sirius earlier that morning.

"I never carry mine when we don't have any classes." Peter said quietly while staring at his feet.

"And I just plain out don't have mine." Sirius looked at them sheepishly.

Lily stared around at them all in bewilderment. What kind of wizards didn't carry their wands with them? "You—you DINGBATS!" She burst out causing all of them to take a few steps back.

It was going to be ok; she would get out of here one way or another. Or at least that was what Lily kept trying to tell herself. She took another breath in an attempt to calm down a little.

"Ok, this door locks from the inside so what exactly is making it stay closed?" She asked in a subdued voice.

Sirius gulped audibly. "Well...going by what Remus told me when he was cooking up this master plan-"

"Hey!" Remus countered.

"—we—and by we I mean Remus J. Lupin—used some twenty-four hour superglue."

Lily and James stared at him.

Sirius clapped his hands together. "But the good thing is, this time tomorrow, we'll be able to open it right up and leave."

One of Lily's eyes was starting to twitch. James was looking at her apprehensively from the corner of his eye, Remus and Peter were slowly backing away and Sirius didn't seem to notice any of this.

All was quiet for a few moments while Sirius looked around at them all. "What?"

Before he even noticed that she had moved, Lily grabbed the nearest thing she could reach—a book that had come out of her trunk when she had been searching it—and used it to start smacking every inch of Sirius that she could with it.

Remus and Peter scattered to the other end of the room, abandoning Sirius in the hopes that Lily would forget about them.

"Hey! HEY!" Sirius lifted his arms to cover his head as Lily smacked him repeatedly in the back with the spell book.

James thought about helping his friend, but then decided not to in favor of watching this scene that had been years in the making.

Sirius backed away and held his hands up in front of him to try and ward Lily off. "Lily, just calm—OW!" He jerked his hand away when it was smacked with the book and took to sprinting away from her.

James had to cough to disguise a laugh when he saw Lily chase after him as he ran off. She had nearly caught him when he threw himself to the floor and rolled under a bed, efficiently getting away.

Lily let out a sound of frustration and then turned and started charging towards Remus and Peter. The two alarmed boys took off running back to the other end of the room.

Instead of chasing them, Lily threw the book and clocked Peter in the back of the head with it, knocking him out. Remus ignored him and kept running until he reached the bathroom and slammed the door shut.

Lily faced James. "Did _you_ have anything to do with this?" she breathed.

James stared worriedly at Peter who had crumpled to the ground before meeting her eyes. "No."

After a moment, she nodded and seemed to believe him. Lowering her gaze to Peter, she lifted an eyebrow. "Is he ok?"

Bending to check on his friend, James found a small bump on the back of his head. "Yeah, I think he'll be ok...just a little bump."

"YOU KILLED PETER!" Sirius hollered from underneath the bed.

"BLACK, DON'T MAKE ME COME UNDER THERE!"

James coughed again. "So…what do we do now?"

Lily shrugged and then looked down at Peter, tilting her head slightly. "Let's draw on Peter's face."

A grin broke out across James's features. "Ok!"


	2. Chapter 2: Eddie!

…**And in the Second Hour…**

"YOU ARE A TRAITOR JAMES POTTER!" Sirius yelled from his position under the bed.

Lily and James giggled as they continued to draw on Peter's face, ignoring Sirius's screaming just as they had for the past fifteen minutes. Using their quills and ink they had given Peter a long, curly mustache, a pair of glasses, several large moles, and what appeared to be a giant spider on one of his cheeks where they had actually just spilled the ink.

"Quiet Black or you're-"Lily stopped short when Peter started rousing. She locked eyes with James and they both scrambled up at once, scooping up the quills and ink and sprinting over to the other end of the room where they stood with their backs to Peter, staring out of the window.

Peter's groaning filled the air and Lily and James turned, pretending that they just noticed him waking. James walked forward and bent over him.

"Hey Peter, how you feeling?"

Peter blinked several times slowly before answering. "What happened?"

He couldn't help himself, James snorted. "Evans hit you with a book."

Gaping at him, the boy on the floor sat up. "Ow, this hurts…and why does my face feel weird?"

"PETER!" Sirius started yelling at him from under the bed. "Peter, they-" but just as Lily ran over to kick him, he stopped. "Hey what's…Are these handcuffs?"

Sirius excitedly jumped out of under the bed and showed them a pair of shiny handcuffs. "Evans, please tell me this is your bed."

Lily took a second to glare at him before answering. "No…That's Debbie's bed...Oh God, I don't want to think about what Debbie was doing with those."

James nodded appreciatively. "Alright _Debbie_." When Lily shot him a look he quickly started shaking his head. "I mean _no_ Debbie."

"I'm thinking Debbie and I are going to have a conversation when she gets back from break." Sirius said while happily swinging the handcuffs around on one finger.

"CAN I COME OUT OF HERE?" Remus hollered from the bathroom.

Lily started. They had all completely forgotten about Remus. Oh well, a little suffering would do him some good. Thanks to him, she would be getting her fair share of it. Glancing over at Sirius, she wondered if she should attack him again…but just as this thought crossed her mind the sun glinted off of the handcuffs he was still swinging around on his hand.

"Come out Moony, besides, its three boys against one girl, what's she gonna do?" Sirius laughed after saying this.

Remus exited the bathroom just as James responded. "How about she beat the crap out of you with a book, knocks Peter out and makes both of you so scared you run and hide?"

Sirius pocketed the handcuffs before crossing his arms. "Whatever."

They all stood around staring at each other.

"So what do we do now?" Peter asked. No one had anything to say to this.

"There has got to be some way out of here other than the door…" Lily said thoughtfully while looking around.

She walked over to the window and looked out of it. She could try calling for help, but they were so high up it was doubtful anyone on the ground would hear them.

"Hey—" she turned back to James, "You have an owl, right? How do you get it to come to you?"

James stared at her blankly. "Um…you've never owned an owl, have you?"

Lily shook her in head in response.

"Well, usually when you have a letter to send, you go to the owlery."

Her shoulders slumped as she heard this news.

"Hey, do any of you girls have a broomstick in here?" Remus asked, trying to be helpful.

Lily shook her head. At least _she_ didn't have one. She thought that maybe Debbie had one, but she had gone home for the Easter Holiday (along with everyone else in Gryffindor) and took her trunk with her.

"Can't you call your owl?" Lily asked hopefully.

James shrugged in response to this. "I've never tried…"

Well, at least it was something. Lily walked over to her window and opened it. She turned to James when she realized she didn't know what he called his owl.

"What's your owl's name?"

"Eddie."

Lily stared at him. "Your owl's name is Eddie?"

"Yes," James seemed a little defensive. "And it's a great name for an owl."

Sirius snickered at this. "That's a stupid name for an owl."

Judging by the defensive tone James was giving, Lily figured that they probably had this argument a lot. When the two boys started arguing, she ignored them in favor for leaning a little out of her window and calling.

"EDDIE! EDDDIIIIEEEE!"

Bird was probably deaf.

"EDDIE!" She yelled as loud as she could but she didn't see any sight of the bird.

After about six minutes of this, Lily's voice was starting to become hoarse, James and Sirius were still arguing, Remus was looking extremely annoyed, and Peter was picking at the bump on the back of his head.

"Prongs, no one else's bird is named Eddie-"

"EDDIE!"

"That's why it's a good name for an-"

"EDDIE!"

"It's not a good name it's-"

"Eddie, PLEASE!"

"Padfoot!"

"EDDIE!"

"Yeah, that's right, I said it was-"

"EDDIE!"

"Take it back!"

"EDDDDIIIIEEEE!"

It was easy to see why Remus now had a pounding migraine behind one of his eyes. Just as he went over to scream into a pillow, Lily pulled herself back into the bedroom and closed the window.

She crossed her arms and grumpily sat on the window sill. "Well I guess that won't work."

Sirius and James seemed to be giving each other the cold shoulder now. Remus was screaming into Debbie's pillow, while Peter came over and sat next to Lily.

"I'm real sorry about this, Lily."

Lily turned to scowl at him. "Why did you all plan this, anyway? What on earth did you think you would gain from it?"

Peter shrugged. "Nothing, really. I just went along with those two," he jerked his thumb at Remus and Sirius, "they wanted to see what would happen…and they also wanted you and James to hook up."

For a few seconds, Lily saw red. "And it didn't occur to any of you that I simply just don't like James?"

Peter's reply was cut off when Sirius walked over to them.

"Lils you got any food in here?"

One of Lily's eyes was starting to twitch again. "NO, BLACK, I don't! And if I did, I wouldn't give any to you!"

Sirius's mouth dropped open at this. "Why not?"

"You REALLY have to ask that?" Lily screeched.

Remus pulled his face out of the pillow at this and he walked over with James to join the rest of the group.

"You know, Lily, you are being really mean!" Sirius said accusingly.

"And your point is?" Lily crossed her arms as she waited for an answer.

Remus held his arms outstretched between them. "Ok, let's just cool down…"

Lily jumped to her feet. "YOU COOL DOWN!" And she stomped into the bathroom and slammed the door.

Remus was left standing, still with his arms out and a confused look on his face. "That made no sense…"

"What is wrong with you guys? Why did you lock us all in here?" James asked, ignoring Remus's statement.

"Excuse me, Prongs, but _you_ locked us all in here," Sirius stated matter-of-factly.

Peter pointed at Remus and Sirius lazily. "Ask those two."

"We thought you two needed some alone time," Remus dropped his arms and turned to James, "to—you know—fall in loooove."

James stared at the three of them for a few moments. "That was really not necessary."

Sirius squinted his eyes suspiciously at him and took a step closer, studying his face. "You know, James, you are acting weird. This is not the James Potter I became friends with. You've changed, mate, and I don't like it." He took another step closer to him, "I don't like it at all!" He whispered the last part dramatically before swinging back around and walking away.

"What are you hiding, James?" Peter asked him in the same suspicious tone.

James rolled his eyes. "I'm not hiding anything!"

"That was a little defensive." Remus crossed his arms as he studied him.

The door to the bathroom was jerked open at that moment and Lily exited, holding a roll of toilet paper.

"Just so you buttheads know, there are limited amounts of this," she said while waving the toilet paper around in the air, "so while you are here, NO number twos!"

All four of the boys fought not to laugh at this. It turned out to be very hard to control themselves. They only managed weak nods at the angry Lily who seemed satisfied before stomping back into the bathroom.

Sirius turned to Remus. "What have we done?"


	3. Chapter 3: Remus's Flashback

…**And in the Third Hour…**

Lily sat in the bathroom for more than half an hour, trying to find something to do so that she wouldn't have to go back out in her room. Because out in her room were what she thought of as the four horsemen of the apocalypse.

Locking them all in the room (she still wasn't sure if this had been on purpose or not. She was leaning towards not.) was undoubtedly the stupidest thing they had ever done. And that was really saying something.

Sighing in boredom, she stood up and walked out of the bathroom. She grabbed a book from her trunk and she sat cross legged on her bed and determinedly didn't look in any of their directions.

On the other side of the room, everyone else was just as bored as Lily was. Sirius, who was stretched out on Debbie's bed, had pulled the handcuffs back out of his pocket and was swinging them around on his finger, Peter was gazing out of the window, still not knowing that he had drawings all over his face. Remus was picking at a rug on the floor and James was on his knees in front of the door, trying to somehow break the hinges with no tools.

Unnecessary to say, they were all incredibly bored. The silence in the room was ringing in their ears only punctuated by the sound of James banging something on the door hinge every once in a while.

Sirius was ready to scream. He had never gone this long without talking. Unless he was asleep that is. Dropping the handcuffs, he turned his head to Peter on the window sill.

"This is boring," he stated.

Peter nodded idly, not really seeming to care.

"I agree, if someone doesn't say something, I'm going to lose my mind," Remus placed both hands to his temples.

Everyone fell silent again. James gave up on the door and came over to sit on the floor next to Remus.

"Let's do something," Sirius sat up on the bed, "let's play a game."

This seemed to snap Peter out of it and he turned to face the others. Lily simply ignored them all and continued on with her book. She would be damned if they tried to suck her into having fun with them. She had never had any with them before and she wasn't going to start now.

"What game?" James asked.

Sirius thought for a moment. "Would you rather."

Everyone (except for Lily) shrugged. Whatever, at least it was _something_ to do.

Grinning gleefully, Sirius started off the game. "Ok, if you were a girl, and you had to make love to a dude-"

This was met with many protests from the other boys but was ignored by Sirius. Lily lifted her gaze from her book with an eyebrow raised.

"—would you rather do it with Snape, Flitwick, or…Hagrid?"

Lily hid her snort in her book as the boy's protests got louder.

"Padfoot, you're sick!" Remus said.

It wasn't like that was entirely untrue, but Sirius knew that they came up with far worse questions than that before. He thought he had cleaned it up quite a bit for Lily.

After their protests had died down, Sirius asked this disgusting question again.

Remus shrugged. "That's…that's quite the selection. But I'm gonna have to say…" Lily looked back up from her book to hear this answer, "Um…well come on, Snape is _Snape_, so NO to that. I'd be afraid that Hagrid would just hurt, so I'm gonna have to go with Flitwick."

James and Peter both nodded in agreement and stated this answer as their own too.

"Ok," Sirius nodded, "Your turn Remus."

After thinking for a moment, Remus settled his gaze on Sirius. "Ok, this is for you, Sirius," he grinned mischievously, "Would you rather be a great wizard, be a great quidditch player and live in this world and completely give up sex _forever_," Sirius winced, "OR, would you rather be one hundred percent muggle, never cast a single spell again, but…get all the great booty you want whenever you want?"

Sirius stared at him. The other boys were snickering and Lily had gone back to her book. Boys were gross.

"How…How great is the booty?" Sirius asked him.

Over on the bed, Lily rolled her eyes.

Shrugging, Remus said, "I don't know…the best you can possibly imagine."

After thinking it over for all of two seconds, Sirius declared, "I'm going with the booty!"

Lily once again lifted her gaze from her book to stare at him. What an idiot. There was no point in trying to read anymore, their game was getting so ridiculous. She flung the book back into her trunk and walked over to sit next to Peter on the window seal.

"Lily, would you rather lick a hippogriff or a blast ended screwt?" Peter asked her.

Lily stared at him. "What…? Why am I licking them?"

"Its part of the game, pick."

"I don't know…a hippogriff," she said randomly.

"Your turn," Peter told her.

Oh great, what was she supposed to say now? She'd never played this game before. Then again, it could be fun…

"Ok, Remus, this is for you." Remus waited for his question with a worried look on his face. "If you had to punch James or Sirius, who would you chose?"

Remus and Peter snorted while James and Sirius gaped at her.

Remus didn't even take any time to think about it, instead blurting out, "Sirius. Definitely Sirius."

They all had a good laugh over that one except for Sirius who was still gaping, but now directed it at Remus.

"WHY?"

Remus shrugged. "I don't know…you just…you know…"

Sirius crossed his arms. "Well…just so you know, I would hit you too!"

"Ok, this is for everyone," James said while trying to keep a straight face, "if you had to get a stupid tattoo would you rather it be of a treacle tart, um, Madam Hooch, or…I don't know…the Hogwarts Express?"

Lily snorted into her hand at the absurdity of the question. The image of James with a tattoo of a treacle tart on his bicep was ridiculous.

"I would get a big Hogwarts Express and make it look like it was coming out of my chest," Sirius said this as though he liked the idea.

"What's wrong with Madam Hooch?" Peter asked, looking confused. "I always thought she was handsome woman."

No one had anything to say back to this proclamation.

"I think I'll get the treacle tart," Remus said, "and put it somewhere that no one could ever see."

A disgusted look crossed Sirius's face as he heard this. "Whoa, Moony, that's just gross."

Remus stared at him. "I meant my like my armpit or something."

"Yeah," Lily nodded, "I think I'm gonna go with the treacle tart also."

"And what do you mean, you'd hit me?" Sirius snapped at Remus out of no where.

They all groaned at this. Well, Lily thought, the fun was over. That hadn't lasted long. Peter went back to staring out of the window, James went back to the door, and Lily went back to her book. They tried their best to drown out Remus and Sirius who were now arguing loudly, but it was kind of impossible.

"—and we wouldn't be here if it weren't for _you_!" Remus was yelling.

"_WHAT?_!" Sirius shrieked while glancing nervously over at Lily. "Moony be honest now…"

Remus glared at him. "I am! Don't you remember-"

_Flashback_

Five hours before all of this started, Remus was innocently walking down to the common room from his dormitory. It was unnecessary to say that Remus was a good boy. He never did anything wrong. He would never intentionally lock anyone in a room with anyone else for any reason at all.

That's right. Because Remus was good. Always good.

But once Saint Remus entered the common room, he was called over to the very evil Sirius who was sitting in an armchair.

"Look what I have, Remus!" Sirius cackled evilly and showed a jar of magical twenty four hour superglue to Remus.

Remus straightened his halo and looked nervously at Sirius. "What are you going to do with that?"

_End Flashback_

"-and then you said that you were going to lock Lily and James in here!" Remus finished his story.

Everyone was staring at him now. Peter was shaking with laughter, Lily was rolling her eyes, and Sirius was shaking his head.

James was looking at him like he thought he had lost his mind. "_Saint Remus_?" He asked incredulously.

"That is not the way it went!" Sirius yelled. "It went more like-"

_Flashback_

Four hours earlier, Sirius was sitting much more innocently than Remus could ever hope to be at the breakfast table. He had been there for a while, eating his breakfast, reading the paper, and listening to the birds chirping through the window.

After staring at his impossibly beautiful, yet sexy and handsome face in the back of his spoon, Sirius was about to go back to his dorm. He wanted to go up there and say high to his best buds, Remus, Peter, and James. He also wanted to tell Lily Evans how incredibly smart she was and compliment her nicely shaped arse.

But before he got the chance to stand, however, one of his best mates Remus (dressed in black cape) walked into the Great Hall. Remus came over to Sirius and told him in a hushed voice:

"I want to severely punish James and Lily. And to best do this-"

_End flashback_

"Ok, enough of _that_!" James snapped, cutting off Sirius mid story.

"Here, here," Lily cheered from the bed.

"Who cares who did it anyway? Will you two just make up and be quiet?" James asked.

Peter, who had finally stopped laughing at Sirius's story, stood from the window seal. "That is not what happened! Here's what happened-"

_Flashback_

One week ago on their last Hogsmeade trip, Peter was looking over the shelf in Honeydukes, trying to find his favorite candy. James had excused himself to go to the loo a few moments ago, and Sirius and Remus were across the street in Zonkos.

Speaking of the two boys, Peter could see them through the other shop window and they were paying for something at the register, both giggling together. He only had to wait about a minute before Sirius and Remus made their way over to Zonkos and found Peter.

"What's so funny?" Peter asked them, eyeing the bag Remus held.

Sirius smirked and Remus started laughing.

"Peter my friend, we're going to give Lily and James a little push," Sirius said.

"What kind of push?" Peter asked.

Remus grinned. "Oh, you'll find out later."

_End flashback_

"See!" Sirius said excitedly, "Remus was holding the bag!"

James stared at him. "But he said you were both laughing so obviously you knew about it."

Sirius flushed. Remus looked down at his feet. Lily was glaring at the both of them and James was shaking his head in disappointment. Peter, however, was staring in horror at his reflection in the mirror across from him.

"What did you do to my face?"


	4. Chapter 4: Sirius's Limerick

…**And in the fourth hour…**

Peter spent twenty minutes trying to get the ink off of his face, to no avail. It seemed that the harder he scrubbed himself with Lily's lavender scented soap the more the ink wanted to stick. It didn't even run when he splashed water on it. If he had his wand, this wouldn't be a problem. But he (obviously) did not have it on him.

No one was lifting a finger to help him. As soon as he had seen his reflection they had all fallen over laughing while clutching their sides. He wouldn't have minded this so much if the ink would just come off.

Finally, he gave up. There obviously wasn't any point in trying to remove the drawings on his face if they wouldn't even smear.

He stomped out of the bathroom and glared at everyone. It seemed that while he had been busy they had calmed down. But as soon as they saw him come out, they all busted out laughing all over again.

Lily fell off of her bed, her face red and her arms around her waist, James was leaning against the wall for support, Sirius was on all fours and pounding the ground with his fists, and Remus was bent double with his hands on his knees.

"This is not funny!" Peter tried, but this only egged the others on further.

"You look like-" Remus gasped out between bouts of laughter, but Peter never found out what he was supposed to look like. "Oh god," Remus, red-faced, pressed his legs together. "I have to pee!" And he shot past Peter and into the bathroom, causing the others to roar with laughter.

Stalking over to one of the beds, Peter sat down on it and glowered at the others as he pulled the curtains closed around him.

It took quite a while for the others to settle down. But eventually, Lily managed to crawl back onto her bed, James stood up straight, and Sirius went to sit on the window sill.

Remus came out of the bathroom, mumbling something about a nap, before mimicking Peter's actions and jumping on a bed and pulling the curtains closed around him.

He only sat on the window sill for all of ten minutes before Sirius grew bored again. Sitting here, trapped in this room with nothing to do, it was understandable. And there was only one thing that he always enjoyed that he could do at the moment.

Annoy the living daylights out of Lily Evans.

Smirking slightly, he stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked over to where Lily sat cross legged on her bed, her nose in a book.

"Lily, Lily, Lily…" he clicked his tongue annoyingly in her direction.

The redhead completely ignored him. She was, after all, used to his tactics after knowing him for seven years. At least once a week Sirius would come to annoy her. Or to make her scream, she wasn't sure which one it was.

But after four years of this, Sirius had almost become like an annoying little brother to her. Since then she had tried harder to endure his little game, and had gotten better at it. Last time he had come to annoy her, she had lasted a whole twenty minutes before she had hexed him across the room and nearly killed him.

Ok, _killed_ him was a bit dramatic. But that had been the word that Sirius had used.

So what if he had hit that vase and gotten cut in the neck by the broken glass? He had asked for it. And the cut was more like a cat scratch. And Madam Pomfrey had looked at Sirius like he was crazy before healing it up in about two seconds after Lily had levitated his stupid butt up to the hospital wing, making sure she 'accidently' bumped his head on the wall a few times.

But right now, Sirius had seemed to have forgotten about this whole incident as he jumped face first onto her bed.

Of course this caused the whole bed to shake and rattle. But Lily determinedly kept her face in her book. She could do it if she kept reading. Just concentrate on the text, she kept telling herself.

"Your bed is nice," Sirius was on his side now, propping his head up with his hand and staring intently at her. "It's perfect for sex."

Lily ground her teeth together as she read.

"Mate knock it off," James sighed. "You'll just make this whole thing worse on yourself."

"Liiiilleeeee. I wrote you a limerick, wanna hear?" Sirius asked, but didn't wait for an answer. "There once was girl named Lily, everyone thought she was too silly, so one day she farted a fart that really really really smelled like chili. A guy named Billy who thought that really really really smelled like chili, asked Lily to me his little frilly-"

"SHUT-UP!" Lily roared and flung her book at his head.

Luckily for Sirius, he ducked just in time and the book ended up hitting James right in his…manly area.

Not a sound came from James. Sirius and Lily watched in horror as his mouth formed an O shape and he fell to his knees. From there he whimpered pitifully as Lily and Sirius rushed over to him.

Over on the other side of the room, Peter and Remus, who pulled back their curtains to see what had happened, collapsed onto their respective beds, laughing quietly. It was always funny when someone got hit in the nuts. Unless it was your own nuts getting the abuse, of course.

"Oh my god, James—I mean Potter…Are you ok?" Lily unsurely rubbed a comforting hand on his back as he bent double.

James made a sound like: "Mmmmfffurmagin." Lily wasn't sure what to make of that, but it didn't sound good.

"Evans look what you did!" Sirius pointed an accusing finger at James.

And so Sirius was back to it. Though she could feel her nostrils flaring and her blood boiling at these words, Lily fought her anger back down. Freaking Sirius out would be more fun than screaming at him.

"Yes, it was my fault," Lily said through her grinding teeth, "I'm sorry Potter."

"You should be jailed for that!" Sirius tried again. "Seriously now, throwing books at a man's jewels, Evans? I never thought you would go that low."

Ignoring him was not going to work. Neither was agreeing with him, apparently.

So Lily changed tactics. She smiled pleasantly at him while saying in the most seductive voice she could manage: "Oh you don't know how low I _can_ go, serious boy." She traced her lips with her tongue slowly after she said this.

Sirius gulped.

"WHAT?" James screeched into the floor, not quite believing what he was hearing. Not only was he in terrible pain, but he might never be able to have children, and Lily was flirting with Sirius. These people were evil.

Not only that, but Remus and Peter seemed to have no concern for him at all. They were probably over there laughing at him. Though if he had to be completely honest with himself, if it were either of them on the ground right now, he would probably be laughing too. It was always funny when someone got hit in the nuts. Except for right now, when it was him.

Sirius knew what Lily was doing. After purposely annoying her for years he had learned that she was always trying to think of new ways to fight back with him. This did not, however, make her comment about going low make him any less turned on.

You couldn't blame him though. He was seventeen. Everything made him want to have sex. Staring at the paint on the wall made him want to have sex. He had had to train himself not to look at the orchids in greenhouse three. If you've ever seen an orchid, you know why.

But if Lily was trying to win by 'seducing him', then he wasn't going to let her. Two could play at that game.

"Low, huh?" He flashed her his trademark smile that would make any girl cheat on her boyfriend in a random broom closet. Ok, so that had happened once, but he had warned Peter that his girlfriend was a cheater type. "This serious boy can also go low…or high…Whichever way you like it."

Lily glowered at him.

James screeched into the floor again for him to shut-up.

Ten minutes later, James was sitting on the edge of Lily's bed, wishing he had some ice. Sirius was doing pushups and Lily was bending over to get something in front of Sirius, spending a ridiculous amount of time getting back up.

Peter and Remus, amused by this show, had come back out and were watching. James was left to glare at the lot of them, sure that another twenty hours of this was going to seem like a lifetime.

After another ten minutes of this, Remus pulled the now furious Lily off of Sirius and nearly got hit by her swinging fists.

"I swear, Black," she snarled as Remus kept a tight grip on her waist, "When we get out of here, I am going to kill you!"

"Why when we get out of here?" Peter asked curiously.

"Because," Lily said maliciously, "THEN there won't be any WITNESSESS!" She roared before trying to fling herself back at Sirius, who was leaning against the wall and looking a bit scared while nursing his bruising jaw.

A few moments ago they had all witnessed Sirius whisper something into Lily's ear, something that had made her completely snap and attack him. For a moment, they had watched. It was always funny when someone got beat up. Especially by a girl.

But when Lily proved to be either stronger than Sirius-or madder they weren't sure which—and she had overpowered him, they thought it best to intervene.

"What did he say to you?" Peter asked her while she struggled in Remus's grip.

Lily shook her head angrily and glared at Sirius. She was NOT going to repeat something THAT dirty. No way.

"Sirius, please, go hide your face so Lily can calm down," Remus told him, clearly having a hard time of holding the redhead back.

Sirius shuffled into the bathroom, looking worriedly in Lily's direction.

As soon as the bathroom door closed, Remus let go of her and patted her awkwardly on the shoulder.

"There, there, Lily…It's ok."

Lily glowered at the bathroom door before turning to him. "I'm going to hurt him."

One corner of Remus's mouth lifted. "I think you already did."

"I'm going to hurt him worse." Lily said as she shrugged and crossed her arms.

"I know sometimes he can be a little difficult to get along with." Remus said apologetically, meaning every word of it.

"I know, right? He's just-" Lily searched for something to say to perfectly sum up Sirius, "so…GRRR. You know?"

Remus nodded at this. "I know, once, when we were in fifth year, I made the mistake of telling him that I was allergic to lemon. I can't even touch it—my skin gets all puffy and red. So Sirius thought it would be hilarious to line the inside of my boxer shorts with lemon juice."

Lily gaped at him. "Are you SERIOUS?"

Of course he wasn't. That whole thing was a ridiculous lie made up in a random attempt to calm Lily down. But at least it looked like it was working. If Sirius had ever really done anything like that to him, Remus would have cursed him into the next century.

But he nodded anyway.

"Yes, sadly I am. It took me a while to forgive him for that one. But I always try to be the bigger person and give everyone a second chance. Two wrongs don't make a right you know. My mum always told me that."

Behind Lily, Peter and James were looking at Remus and shaking their heads. Lily however, was nodding.

"That is so true…But I like revenge better. Wanna help me get back at him, Remus?"

Remus blinked. "Ah, what?

"I'll get back at him for you too." Lily grinned almost maniacally. "I have a plan."


	5. Chapter 5: Lily's Revenge

…**And in the Fifth Hour…**

As soon as Sirius came out of the bathroom, Lily jumped on his back and handcuffed him to the nearest bedpost.

Sirius stared down at his handcuffed wrist, confused by how fast this encounter had gone. Lily happily slid off of his back and walked around to face him with a cheeky grin in place. The others simply watched this. They didn't want to be the center of Lily's anger, so they let it be. Plus, it was most probably going to be fun to watch.

"Damn you Debbie!" Sirius hollered at the ceiling.

He had asked if it was ok to come out of the bathroom, and Lily had said yes. She had sounded calm, so he figured he would just go ahead and hope for the best. Clearly, he should have waited longer.

"Alright Evans, this is going a bit far," he said, trying to sound calm, but on the inside he was getting a little freaked out.

Lily kept her grin in place as she shook her head. "No, Sirius._This_ is going too far."

Quickly, before he could react, Lily licked one of her fingers and dug it into Sirius's ear.

"AAHHH!" Sirius shrieked, not from pain, but from being completely grossed out.

He started smacking at her hand but she pulled it away before he could make contact.

"That was for Remus's lemon boxers!" She yelled.

"_What!_" Sirius asked incredulously, having no idea what she was talking about. But then he forgot this strange comment when he saw Lily start to circle him like he was her prey. "Ok, what is it that you want?" He asked.

"Well first, I want an apology." Lily snapped. "And second, I want to know whose idea it was to lock me in here with Potter."

Sirius shook his head. Apologizing for saying that nasty thing to Lily was no big deal. He could do that. But telling her who had come up with the incredibly stupid master plan of locking James and Lily in here together, he couldn't answer that. Honestly, he couldn't remember if it was him or Remus that had come up with it first. Peter's account of things did nothing to answer the question.

But he could always lie.

"I'm sorry Lily." He said, trying to sound sincere. "And it was Peter."

"WHAT?" Peter shrieked from his seat next to James on Lily's bed.

Lily didn't take her eyes off of Sirius. "No it wasn't. You're doing that thing you do when you lie."

Lily had no idea what signs Sirius gave to tell that he was lying; she didn't know him _that_ well. She just said that to mess with him. And apparently it worked.

"Ok, fine, it was James."

Placing her hands on her hips, Lily fixed him with an intense stare. "Sirius. I could make this much _much_ worse for you," she warned in a dangerous tone.

And Sirius was sure she could. But surely one of his friends would do something to help him. Surely. Yes, just like they had all rushed to help him when Lily was beating him to a bloody pulp with her text book. As this memory came back to him, Sirius pulled on the handcuffs but they were very much attached to the bed post and weren't going to come off easily.

Lily however, was ignoring his weak attempt to get away. Instead, she had gone over to her trunk and started searching through it. Finally she found two large vials that she used in potions. They would work perfectly for her plan.

Then she went into the bathroom and the boys could hear the sink running.

"Someone help me!" Sirius hissed at the entertained trio on Lily's bed.

With a big grin in place, James shook his head. "You asked for it, mate. What did you say to her, anyway?"

Sirius couldn't help but smirk at little. "I asked her-"

But Lily came out of the bathroom, ending this conversation. One of the vials in her hand was filled halfway with water, the other was still empty.

"So, Sirius," she said, "I've heard the rumor that you have a very weak bladder. I would like to test that theory." And with that, Lily sloooowly poured the water from one vial into the other. She let it drip one drop at a time.

One drop. Two drops. Three drops. A sweat broke out across Sirius's brow. Now he wished he had used the bathroom when he had gone in there instead of making funny faces in the mirror and going through Lily's stuff.

It was true that he had weak bladder, but he wasn't sure how Lily got this bit of information…

Over on Lily's bed, James was glad that he had told Lily about Sirius's bladder problems. It would most probably score him some major points with his favorite redhead. He was sure that Sirius would forgive him later for this. That is, if he found out that he had been the one to tell her.

Of course, Sirius would have to forgive him. Though they kept arguing over whose idea it had been to lock him in here with Lily, James was willing to bet that it had been Sirius. It just seemed so…Sirius like. Getting all five of them locked in this room would undoubtedly make him lose points with Lily. So therefore, in James's mind, it was ok to tell Lily about Sirius's bladder problems.

While James had been thinking this over, Lily had made some progress in her 'torture'.

She tilted the vial filled with water into the empty one and agonizingly slowly poured the water into it.

Sirius broke.

"ALRIGHT!" He roared. "It was MY IDEA! I came up with the whole thing and I'm sorry!"

Lily stopped her pouring of the vials and stared at him. "Really? It was you?"

"YES," he confessed, "now please let me go to the bathroom."

"Say you're sorry."

"I'm sorry."

Sighing, Lily carried the vials into the bathroom as Sirius yelled at her to hurry up. Once she was finished, she came back out and looked at him.

"Ok, where did you put the key?" She asked, motioning towards the handcuffs.

Sirius gaped at her. "WHAT KEY?"

Lily stared at him. "The key to the handcuffs, moron, where did you put them?"

"Oh hell NO," Sirius felt himself paling dramatically at these words. He never remembered seeing a key. He had just been so excited to find the handcuffs, he hadn't ever looked for one. "Look under Debbie's bed!" He yelled, pressing his legs together.

Remus, Peter, and James, who were finding this to be hilarious, were once again howling with laughter.

Lily was starting to feel guilty. She had only wanted to mess with Sirius; she didn't want to end up with his bladder bursting. That was a level of mean that even she couldn't go to. She rushed over to Debbie's bed, ignoring the laughter coming from the other three Marauders, and started searching frantically for the key.

"HURRY UP!" Sirius was screeching at her, making things tenser than they already were.

The stupid key was no where to be found. Lily searched every inch under Debbie's bed and then every inch on top of it. She stood up to tell Sirius that she couldn't find it, only to see that someone had brought him a trashcan over and he was busy urinating into it.

And then her eyeballs nearly exploded.

"AAH!" She covered her eyes and spun back around to get away from this sight. That was forever going to burned into her retinas now.

Remus, James, and Peter were still laughing like a pack of hyenas over on her bed. She furiously shot them a look that could burn through lead. They all shut up at once.

"Ah, that is _much_ better," Sirius was sighing happily and Lily could hear the sound of his pants zipping.

Assuming that it was safe to turn around now, Lily did just that. She sent James a pouty look.

"James, will you take care of that?" She motioned to the now ruined trashcan.

He stared at her. "Ew." But when she made her eyes go a little bigger and rounder, he sighed. "Oh alright..."

James shuffled over to pick up the trashcan and Sirius made a sound that sounded remarkably like a whip in James's direction.

Once James had entered the bathroom, Lily made her way over to Sirius.

"I'm sorry if you are." She told him.

He lifted an eyebrow at this. "Was that your first apology ever?"

Lily shrugged. "Yes."

After staring at each other for a minute, Sirius nodded. "Ok, I forgive you…and I'm sorry too. For everything." He held his free arm out to her in an invitation for a hug, and she accepted, wrapping her arms around his waist and warning him not to touch her with that hand.

Peter and Remus applauded.

"Just remember," he said into her hair, "If you decide not to go with James after all, there's always Sirius Black. You know, once you go Black you never go back."

Rolling her eyes at this corny remark, Lily laughed.

James finished furiously scrubbing hands in the sink and came out to this sight.

"What are you doing?" He hollered.

Everyone turned to look at him.

"I mean, I er-" He started ruffling his hair, "let's all sit far apart from each other. That sounds fun, doesn't it?"

After giving him a knowing look, Sirius let go of Lily and motioned towards the handcuffs still connecting him to the bed post.

"Can someone help me here? Surely there's another way out of these."

"What fun would that be?" Remus muttered quietly as he made his way with Peter over to Sirius. No one heard this remark, however, as they all started trying to think of ways to get Sirius free.

They spent twenty minutes doing this. Their first thought, and the most hated solution by Sirius was for all of them to spit on Sirius's wrist to make it slick so that they could slip the handcuffs off. Of course they knew that it would be the same thing for them to just get water and throw it on him, but spitting was more fun. Plus it was funny to hear Sirius screaming like a girl.

Then, when this didn't work, Lily found a hair pin and started trying to pick the lock. This didn't work either. Then the boys decided to figure out who was the strongest by kicking, punching, and pulling on the bed post and trying to rip it from the rest of the bed.

This obviously did not work either.

It was after that that James thought to get shampoo and put it on Sirius's wrist. That had actually been working. Until Remus and Peter had also gotten shampoo and started to unnecessarily pour it on parts of Sirius that weren't chained to the bed.

Like down the front of his shirt, and then down his pants.

Lily screamed at them about wasting money, Sirius screamed something about it burning down his pants, Peter screamed when Lily took the shampoo from him and smacked him with the bottle, Remus laughed as he poured his whole bottle on Sirius's head, and James was still trying to work Sirius's wrist free through all of this chaos.

After another ten minutes of that, Peter was hiding from Lily in the closet, sporting a bruise on his arm in the shape of a shampoo bottle, Remus was cramping from laughing so hard, Lily was trying to get the shampoo off of the floor, James was looking very tired, and Sirius, finally free, and covered in shampoo was trudging into the bathroom to go take a shower.


	6. Chapter 6: Peter's Peach

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Respect song. That belongs to the lovely Aretha Franklin.**

…**And in the sixth hour…**

The dorm was once again, quiet. Having exhausted themselves from drenching Sirius in shampoo and laughing themselves silly, the occupants of the room were resting amongst themselves in silence.

Lily was over by the window, pacing back in forth in front of it. She kept glancing at her watch. It was just starting to turn six but it had felt like they had been in here much longer. She was starting to get hungry. Since she had eaten a large breakfast, she had skipped lunch in favor of searching for her wand which was no where to be found.

'_It it wasn't for those two meddling baboons I wouldn't be in this mess_,' she was thinking. '_Wow I'm hungry. Wait, do I still have those crackers in my trunk? I think I do. But I'm not sharing with them, no way. Actually, I think I have some rum in there too from Christmas. That might make this whole experience more endurable._'

As Lily speculated on this, Sirius came out of the bathroom, his hair wet from his shower. He had done his best to get the shampoo off of his clothes, but they were still a little uncomfortable. He had washed his shirt the best he could but it was still wet. And then he had removed his boxer shorts and hid them in one of the drawers in the bathroom for either Lily or one of Lily's roommates to find later.

It had taken fifteen minutes to rinse the humongous amounts of soap out of his hair. Not that he minded; he had felt pretty gross after everyone had had their fun spitting on him.

Walking over to Debbie's bed, he sat on the edge of it and glared at Remus on the next bed.

'_Damn you Moony, I will get you back for that one. Speaking of Moony, what was that that Lily shouted about lemon boxers? That was weird. But at least I got to try out the handcuffs before Debbie comes back from break. Oh yes, Debbie and I are going to have a lot of fun with those._'

Remus looked over and saw Sirius glaring at him.

'_Oh well,_' Remus thought, '_that's what he gets for trying to say that I came up with this stupid plan. Really though, I'm having trouble remembering. Was it Sirius? Or Remus? I mean me. Wow that was weird. Ooo, is that a sickle?_'

Peter had finally come out of the closet and kept flinging himself into the door, trying to break it down.

'_Stupid door,'_he was thinking,_'stupid Remus for coming up with this plan, stupid Sirius for coming up with this plan, whoever came up with it is stupid. Stupid Lily for smacking me with that bottle. I'm going to have that bruise for a week. Stupid James for…actually I can't think of anything James did. But I'm pretty sure he and Lily were the ones that drew on my face so he's stupid too._'

James was miserably smacking his forehead with his hand. He sat on Lily's closed trunk, trying to get the song that was going through his mind to stop.

'_R-E-S-P-E-C-T find out what is means to me, R-E-S-P-E-C-T tare care TCB!_' James whimpered and tried to think of something else ANYTHING else.

Lily's hair, Lily's eyes, Lily's arse, Lily's freckles, Lily's legs, Lily's—

'_Sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me!_'

Everyone turned to look at him as he wailed sadly into his hands. Even though it had been by a muggle, he had always liked that song. Now, for no apparent reason at all, it had popped into his head and refused to leave.

And now that he had tried to think of Lily instead, the image of Lily singing that with Aretha Franklin's voice was in his mind.

'_Just a little bit! Oh babe, just a little bit, you're runnin' out of fool! Just a little bit…_'

"What's wrong with you?" Remus asked him worriedly.

James quickly shook his head. "Respect—I mean nothing."

Remus gave him a strange look before shrugging it off.

"TRUTH OR DARE!" Sirius shouted out of no where, startling the others out of their thoughts.

Lily, who was still pacing, nearly tripped. Peter jumped in the middle of his dive for the door and ending up hitting the doorknob and doubling over in pain, Remus for some reason fell off of the bed, and James's thoughts were cleared.

For two seconds before the song came back stronger than ever.

They all stood up and glared at Sirius.

"Peter, are you ok?" Sirius asked Peter who was standing up glaring at him, but looked to be in a great amount of pain.

Peter was seething. Never had he been so beat up than he was now. Not only did his head still hurt from where Lily had thrown a book at him, but his arm was bruising from where Lily had hit him with a shampoo bottle, and now because of Sirius, he was pretty sure he had bruised up his ribs pretty badly.

So really he was mostly bruised up because of a girl, something that Peter was none too happy about it. Not to mention that he bruised like a peach, which just made it so much easier for her.

"Oh, I'm all bright sunshine and daises, over here _Padfoot._" He ground out at him angrily before sinking down onto the window sill.

Lily patted him on the shoulder apologetically. She had felt bad about hitting with him with the shampoo bottle, that had been a little harsh, but he and Remus had kept wasting her shampoo. In other words, they had been wasting her money. And she was ridiculously frugal. She was not CHEAP!

But Frugal.

Sirius cleared his throat. "Uh…truth or dare anyone? Peter, you can go first."

Everyone shrugged. There was nothing else to do.

"Fine, buttmunch." Peter grumbled. "Remus, truth or dare?"

"Truth," Remus said, sounding bored.

One corner of Peter's mouth lifted a little. "Ok, that story you told Lily about the lemon boxers, was it true?"

Remus sent a nervous look at Lily who had jerked her head in his direction. "Er…Well, er…it depends on what you mean by _truth_…I er…ok yeah, that was a lie."

"WHAT?" Lily shrieked.

"Hey, I got a wet willy for that!" Sirius screamed at Remus accusingly.

"This is fun." Peter said happily.

"What you want, baby I got it. What you need, you know I got it." James sang quietly, but no one heard.

"Fine! I'm sorry." Remus said, not sounding sincere at all. "Sirius, truth or dare?"

Sirius shrugged. "Dare."

"Ok, I dare you to go lick the shower drain."

Lily blanched at this, but the others had expected something along these lines. As many times as they had played this game, it never got old to make Sirius lick the shower drain, or the toilet seat, or the bottom of his shoe, or the floor. He was the only one that always picked dare and always did what he was dared to do.

Lily couldn't watch. The boys, however, found it hilarious and piled into the bathroom to watch Sirius do this disgusting task.

Figuring it was probably the best time to do it, Lily rushed over to her trunk and after searching through it quickly, found a box of crackers. She jumped on her bed, hid the box under her pillow, and then tried to look as innocent as she could manage when they came back out.

"Why are you looking so weird?" Remus asked her strangely as he walked out.

Well. So much for the act innocent plan. She shrugged at Remus. "How do I look weird?"

"You looked like you had gas or something." Remus said before walking on.

So apparently, when she tried to look innocent, she ended up looking like she had gas?

'_Ok_,' Lily thought, '_no more trying to look innocent_…'

"Lily!" Sirius yelled in her direction. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

She was NOT going to say dare after knowing what Sirius was made to do.

"Ok…" Sirius thought for a moment. "What is the most horrible thing you're ever done?"

Lily had to think on that one. She'd always tried to be a nice person…she wasn't perfect, of course, but she was always (mostly anyways) nice to everyone, got straight O's, did all of her homework on time, had never done drugs or snogged a complete stranger.

And those last two were complete lies.

"It was the summer break before last," she told the boys, "my neighbor and muggle friend Lucy were going to this party…My dad said no but…I wanted to anyway. So later that night I snuck out of the window."

"Far out—Lily Evans is _bad_!" Remus grinned.

Rolling her eyes at this comment, she continued. "And while I was there…" she bit her lip, "I kind of…sort of…maybe smoked a little pot…"

The Marauders gaped at her. Lily had always been so goody goody at school. The image of her smoking pot was an odd one.

"And then I snogged some poor bloke I'd never met before and haven't seen since." She finished this story and looked around at all of their gawking faces.

"What?" James asked, looking a little disappointed. Disappointed because he hadn't been the strange bloke, of course. He mentally cursed himself as he remembered that summer—when Lily had been snogging a strange guy, he and his friends had probably been dunking Peter's head in the toilet.

"Wow, Evans," Sirius let out a low whistle. And then after a few more moments of silence: "I'm telling Dumbledore."

Lily stared at him. "Why would you do that?"

"Padfoot!" James interrupted before he could answer Lily. "The rules of truth or dare clearly state that whatever happens in the game stays between the persons who participated and no one else."

Sirius gave him a strange look. "Ok Mister rule book—I was only teasing."

As Sirius shook his head, Lily sent James a little smile which he returned. This, however, went unnoticed by everyone else in the room.

"Your turn Evans," Sirius told her.

"Ok, Black," Lily grinned cheekily at him. "Truth or dare?"

"Dare."

"Ok, I dare you to tell me what it feels like to transform into a dog."

If the boys had been shocked by the news that Lily had smoked pot, then it was nothing compared the shock they felt now. HOW had she known? They had been so careful for years…and why hadn't she said anything to anyone?

No one really had anything to say for a few moments.

Lily enjoyed the rare silence though. She had seen them transforming and disappearing under the whomping willow three days ago after everyone had left for the Easter holiday break. She hadn't ever thought of telling on them—that was their business.

Oddly enough, when she had first saw them transform, her first thought was: _'Good grief…How stupid to do it out there in the open…Dingbats…_'

And then she had rolled her eyes and gone to take a shower without a second glance.

Then later when she had asked James about it, he simply said, 'Yeah, we do that…Wanna snog?'

Right now James wasn't looking shocked at all. Instead, he looked like he had forgotten to tell the other boys something. "Oh, YEAH, forgot to tell you guys…Lily knows."

Remus, with his mouth hanging open, turned to stare at James. "WHAT?"

James shrugged. "Yeah, no biggie, she's not telling."

"And if she does we're telling everyone about pot smoking Lily," Peter warned, making Lily roll her eyes.

"This game is dangerous." Sirius said. "We're not playing this anymore."

"But you didn't answer your question!" Lily complained.

"We're not playing." Sirius said stubbornly.

"But-"

"No."

"But-"

"Evans!"

"Dog—I mean Black!"

"No more."

"But-"

"No."

"I-"

"No."

"Come on just-"

"No."

"You suck."


	7. Chapter 7: James's Secret

…**And in the Seventh Hour…**

"I think James is hiding something." Remus muttered to Sirius.

"I agree." Sirius said as he studied James.

Remus and Sirius were sitting next to each other on the window sill, conversing quietly. James was on the other side of the room, reading a random book that Lily had given him from her trunk. Peter was once again trying to get the ink off of his face in the bathroom, and Lily was rummaging through the closet.

"What do you think it is?" Sirius asked the blonde haired boy next to him.

Remus scratched his chin thoughtfully as he too, studied James.

"I'm not sure…But he's acting different."

"We have to find out." Sirius said and Remus nodded in agreement. "Maybe we should just ask him?"

"No, if he wanted us to know he would have said something already. So it's got to be something big."

Sirius gasped. "Hey! Maybe he's giving me his broomstick!"

Remus raised an eyebrow at this. "Why would he give you his broomstick?"

"I don't know…I've always admired it and he said that he got me something special for my birthday."

Remus stared at him. "He got you a pez dispenser."

"What? Seriously? That's it?"

"It's in the shape of a big, black dog."

"Far out."

"Why are you two staring me down?" James asked them suddenly.

Sirius and Remus started in surprise and then tried to look innocent.

"We were admiring your hair. Have you done something different with it?" Remus asked randomly, saying the first thing that came to his mind. He hoped he didn't sound too stupid. James was now giving him a strange look.

"What?"

"You heard the man!" Sirius said loudly. "Oi! Evans, what are you doing in there?"

They all looked towards the closet where Lily was. She stepped out of it, looking a bit frazzled with her hair going in every direction. "I was looking for this," she said and held up a long box for them all to see.

"Life?" Sirius questioned as he studied the box she held up.

"Yes," she nodded happily, "It's a muggle game, but its fun."

They shrugged, figuring if there was nothing else to do, then playing Life wouldn't be so bad. It beat staring at the walls and the setting sun.

Peter came out of the bathroom. Apparently the ink that was used on his face was magical water proof (as the bottle proudly boasted) and wouldn't come off for weeks. This didn't stop him from trying to get it off anyway of course.

They all sat cross-legged on the floor around the board as Lily set it up and tried her best to explain the rules to them.

"Then," she was saying, "after you leave university, you have to pay off your loans and then you get married-"

"What?" Sirius protested, "I don't want to get married."

"Well you have to." Lily argued back.

"Why?"

"Because that's the game."

Sirius crossed his arms, looking very much like a five year old. "It's a stupid game."

Rolling her eyes, Lily continued to set up the board. Once she was finished, she tried to explain to them how to choose a job. She held up the cards for Remus.

"I don't get to see what it is?" Remus asked, confused.

"No, and just pick three."

"This is stupid."

Remus ended up being a police officer (which he said was stupid), Sirius ended up being a garbage man (which he said was stupid), Peter was a 'mega superstar' (to which he said OOO!), James ended up being a doctor (which he said was gross), and Lily was a travel agent (which just made her want out the room more than she already did).

Then Sirius refused to get married.

"You have to get married; it's part of the game!" Lily argued with him.

"I would rather lose the game than get married!" Sirius fought back.

Remus gave him a look. "Dude, you know you're not _actually_ getting married, right? It's just a game."

"I WON'T DO IT!" Sirius roared.

After that, the rest of them went on with the game, while Sirius was stuck behind the stop sign because he wouldn't get married. He kept glaring around at them all and muttering things like, 'Stupid game' and 'can't make me do it'.

Ten minutes later, Lily was seething, Remus was looking scared, Sirius was still glaring at everyone, James was shaking his head and rubbing his eyes, and Peter was looking happy because he had won.

The game board was halfway across the room lying on its side in an ominous sign to what had just transpired. Little cars with the people still in them were flung everywhere, and tons of colored money was still flying in the air around them.

"WHY, did you throw the BOARD?" Lily seethed at Sirius.

"It was a stupid game," he muttered in response.

"THAT COST ME FIVE POUNDS!" she yelled at him.

"What's a pound?" Sirius asked, not really sounding like he cared for the answer.

One of Lily's eyes was starting to twitch. James watched this nervously in the corner of his vision and noticed that Peter and Remus were starting to back up. Sirius either didn't know or didn't care about the danger he was in. James had to wonder about his friend's memory at this. Didn't he remember being beat to death with a book? Or being chained to the bed post and nearly wetting himself?

"Black-" Lily started menacingly, but James stepped in.

"Lily, let's take a deep breath…"

Lily jerked her gaze to him and stood up. "I'm going to kill your friend."

James stood quickly and held an arm out in front of her. "Now hang on, he will buy you a new board, won't you Sirius?"

James turned to see Sirius rising lazily. "That one's still usable." He said as he stretched.

James caught Lily just in time as she flung herself in Sirius's direction. Thinking quickly, he started to drag her into the bathroom. Maybe if he could get Sirius out of sight maybe he would be out of mind?

"Evans, you seriously need some anger management." Sirius was saying as James dragged her off.

This did not make the dragging easier. James silently thanked the years of quidditch training that had brought some nicely toned biceps. Otherwise, he might have been able to half carry Lily into the bathroom.

As soon as the door slammed shut, Sirius turned to Remus and Peter.

"Ok, now that I got rid of him-"

"Wait, WHAT?" Remus stared at him. "You did that to get James out of the room?"

Sirius shrugged. "Yeah. Anyway-"

"You risked your life to get James out?" Peter asked, looking a little worried about his friend's sanity.

"Yes," Sirius nodded, "Now, Peter, have you noticed that James is different lately?"

"Yeah, actually, I have."

"We have too," Sirius said, "and we have to find out what he's hiding."

"Why?" Peter asked confusedly.

"Because," Remus searched for a reason, "we feel like it."

"Remember the last time you two wanted to do something that you thought was a good idea?" Peter asked, remembering their conversation out in the hall just hours before. "And really, whose idea was that?"

Remus and Sirius both shrugged, neither one of them remembering exactly who had come up with it. Why did it matter anyway?

"I don't know, but we have to know what he's up to." Remus said quietly.

Peter rolled his eyes as Remus and Sirius started whispering together.

Exactly twenty seven seconds before that conversation happened, James slammed the door to the bathroom closed and dropped Lily in front of him. Panting slightly from yelling so much, she looked up at him and smiled.

"You think they bought it?" She asked.

James shrugged. "I don't care. Come here."

Lily leapt right back into his arms and pressed her mouth to his hurriedly. James wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her as close as humanly possible and returned her kiss with just as much eagerness.

They spent quite a few minutes in each other's embrace hungrily kissing each other, Lily grabbing at James's hair, James nibbling his way across her jaw, over her ear, down her neck, across her shoulder and then all the way back up again to her lips.

"Too long," he kept mumbling and she nodded fervently in agreement.

It had been way too long. The last time they had spent time together had been around four am last night when he had snuck into her dorm. It had been seven am when he had snuck back into his, just in time before his friends awoke.

One week ago, James and Lily had started going steady. And every day since then Lily and James hadn't been able to keep their hands off of each other. James was deliriously happy. He felt like he was in a dream. But, he figured, if it did all turn out to be a dream, then it would have been worth it.

James was plain out addictive. At least that was what Lily had found out exactly a week ago today. She had spent years resisting him and now she was finding it hard to remember why. She was falling hard and she couldn't stop if it even if she wanted to.

Both had agreed not to tell anyone.

James especially didn't want his friends to know; not yet anyway. That would be a train of merciless teasing that he didn't want to subject either himself or Lily to. And while they were still in the first stages of their relationship, he didn't want to risk losing it over anything.

So no one knew. And that was the way it was going to stay.

Out in the dorm room, however, Sirius was cooking up what he called his 'ultimate evil master plan'. Cackling, he rubbed his hands together and watched Remus and Peter for their reactions. Remus was nodding and Peter was shaking his head.

"If he wanted us to know, then we would know." Peter kept trying to say, only to be cut off my Sirius.

"Quiet Wormtail! What do you think, Moony?"

Remus nodded. "That's a formidable plan."

Sirius grinned. One way or another, he was going to find out what James was hiding.


	8. Chapter 8: Sirius's Diabolical Plan

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Hulk or any of these characters or anything else you recognize. The Hulk belongs to Marvel and everything else belongs to J.K. Rowling.**

**...And in the Eighth Hour…**

Lily and James got their, er—'business' done in the bathroom as quickly as they could so the others wouldn't get suspicious. This wasn't a difficult task, as they had gone for thirteen hours without touching each other and slowly it had driven them crazy.

So crazy that they immediately and hurriedly ripped each others clothes off and did their, er—'business' on the bathroom floor.

It took all of seven minutes before both of them were completely satisfied, which left James feeling mighty proud of himself.

"We should start fighting so they don't get the wrong—or the right idea." Lily told him quietly as she pulled her shirt back on. She hoped that biting James' shoulder to muffle any sound she made during their, er—'business' wasn't all in vain. It wouldn't do for the others to figure out what had happened.

James nodded. "Right…Or we could you know…shag again." He leaned towards her and blew into her ear.

Her resolve momentarily crumbling, Lily bit her lip. "Oh…ok."

She flung her arms around his neck and kissed him.

And then her sense came back. "No!" She hissed, wiggling away from him and standing up. "We don't have time. You PERVERTED SCUMBAG!" She yelled the last part loudly as she jerked her jeans back over her hips and went to work on getting her shoes back on.

James sighed and stood up, working on getting his own clothes on. "Ok…I love you." He said quietly. "YOU HORRIBLE TEASE!" He yelled.

Lily smiled. "I love you too. I AM NOT A TEASE JAMES POTTER YOU SON OF A-"

"DON'T YOU INSULT MY MOTHER!" James screamed as he checked himself in the mirror to make sure that he hadn't missed any buttons.

Lily gave what she secretly called his 'cute little booty' a pinch and kissed the back of his neck. "UP YOURS POTTER!"

James turned to her and kissed her back. "YOU'D LIKE THAT, WOULDN'T YOU EVANS?"

SMACK.

"Ow…" James rubbed his cheek where Lily had just slapped him. "EVANS WHAT THE HELL?" He bent towards her and held his other cheek out to her. "Do it again!" He whispered.

Lily lifted an eyebrow at this but did as she was told anyway.

Two minutes earlier, out in the dorm room, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were whispering amongst themselves. It was mostly about Sirius's plan—but then it turned into an argument over which flavor of Bertie Botts Every Flavor Beans were better.

Remus ended this weird argument by nodding towards the bathroom door. "What do you think they're doing in there? They've been in there for ten minutes."

Sirius shrugged, looking like he didn't really care. "He's probably trying to calm her down…She is violent! I'm telling you, it's that red hair."

"Since when is James able to calm Lily down?" Peter asked. "And since when are they on good terms with each other?"

The other two boys stared at him.

"Uh, Peter," Remus said, "Don't you remember like a week ago when they decided they weren't going to fight anymore?"

Peter shrugged. "Not really. Why did they decide on that?"

"They said it was messing up their head boy and girl duties," Remus said as he continued to stare at the bathroom door.

He had to wonder…what exactly were James and Lily up to in there? Peter had a point. Even though he didn't try to make a point, he had one. Since when was James able to calm Lily down?

Remus had noticed that the two of them had shared a little less friction than they usually had, but he had brushed it off, thinking that they were finally just growing up and burying the hatchet. But he had to wonder if there was something going on between them that they hadn't told anyone about.

But no…that didn't match James's personality. For years he had pined away for Lily Evans, and Remus was sure that if he had really gotten her at last, SURELY he would have said something. SURELY he would have been too happy to keep it in.

Just as this thought went through his mind, a scream from the bathroom brought the boy's silent conversation to an end as they all listened.

"YOU PERVERTED SCUMBAG!"

So Lily was screaming at James…That sounded normal. That just made the world right again. At least it did in Remus's mind.

"YOU HORRIBLE TEASE!"

And James was yelling at Lily. Yes, he must have just thought all of that crazy stuff up in his head.

"I AM NOT A TEASE JAMES POTTER YOU SON OF-"

"DON'T YOU INSULT MY MOTHER!"

Remus glanced over at Sirius and Peter, who were also watching the door. "We're still going through with the plan?" He whispered.

"UP YOURS POTTER!"

Sirius nodded. "Of course. We have to find out what he's up to."

"YOU'D LIKE THAT WOULDN'T YOU, EVANS?"

SMACK.

Peter, Remus, and Sirius all winced and let out an "Oh!" in unison. And they all winced again when they heard a second smack. They had to wonder what James had done to so severely upset Lily. But really, as Sirius had discovered many times that day, it didn't take much.

The door to the bathroom swung open and James, with angry red blotches covering each cheek, was shoved into the bedroom before the door slammed shut behind him again.

They all stared at each for a few moments before James shuffled over to one of the beds and sank down onto it.

"So what did you do this time?" Sirius asked as he walked over to stand in front of him.

James glared up at him. "All I did was try to calm her down."

Coming over to stand next to Sirius, Peter lifted an eyebrow at James. "You tried to make a move on her didn't you?"

"She came on to me first!" James argued as he continued to glower at them. "She let me hug her-"

"Prongs, just because a girl hugs you doesn't mean she is coming on to you." Remus told him matter-of-factly.

James muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, 'Does if you're a tease'.

Remus, Sirius, and Peter looked at each other in silent agreement. Just because James was in a foul mood didn't mean that they weren't going to go on with their diabolical plan. Or really it was Sirius's plan, but it was still diabolical.

In the bathroom, Lily was bored. She missed James. She missed her crackers that she had hidden under her pillow. And most importantly of all, she missed the bottle of rum that she had stashed in her trunk.

Sighing in boredom, she decided on painting her toenails. At least it was something to do. James had told her that if she stayed in here for a few moments, it would seem more realistic. That was fine, but…she was bored.

She couldn't find any polish in the first drawer, so she went for the bottom one.

Wait…what was that? There was something white and green and cloth in here. Which was weird because it didn't look like anything she recognized. Picking up—whatever it was—in between her index and thumb, Lily held up what turned out to be a pair of boy's boxers.

"EEE!" She dropped them in disgust.

What was that green stuff on there? She pulled the boxers back towards her with the tip of her shoe and looked at it closer. It was…The Incredible Hulk? The Hulk was menacingly baring his teeth at her, though he looked silly doing such a thing when he was across the butt of someone's underwear.

Who did these belong to? Did they belong to one of the girls she shared the dorm with? Or…Lily didn't want to think it. NO. Sirius had come in here earlier to shower.

She was just about to think that SURELY Sirius wouldn't shove his undies in her drawer, but then she remembered who she was thinking about. And also she remembered that it was Sirius that had been walking around with the Incredible Hulk on his butt.

Out in the bedroom, Sirius coughed awkwardly.

"James."

James looked up at him. "What?"

Sirius looked over at Remus and Peter in feigned nervousness. Then he looked back at James. "We know." He told him simply.

James paled as he stared at them. No…they couldn't know. He and Lily had been so careful. They had to be pulling his leg to see if he would let anything slip. He had known his friends too long for them to be able to lie to him. James knew that as soon as they found out about him and Lily, they would be in shock, SHOCK!

"You…know?" he asked carefully.

"Yes." Sirius responded and he mentally patted himself on the back. YES, James had no idea about his plan. He REALLY thought they knew; Sirius could tell that much from James's paling features. This was just too easy.

James fought the urge to roll his eyes. Sirius was so sure of himself. "You know what?"

"Your secret." Sirius said, "We know all about it."

James looked to Remus and Peter who were nodding in agreement.

"You all know?" James asked as he looked between all of them. So they were all in on it. That must mean that they had all noticed that he was hiding something. That wasn't good. He was going to have to be more careful.

They nodded again.

Well…just because he really was hiding something, didn't mean that James couldn't mess with their heads. Sighing, he dropped his head and placed his face in his hands. "You're not mad?" He asked them without looking up.

There was silence as Sirius looked over at the other two boys. "Of course not," he said finally, "But you didn't have to keep it a secret…"

James looked back up at them from in-between his fingers. "I didn't?"

Sirius shook his head. "No…we just…want to hear you say it out loud. Let it all out, man."

Remus narrowed his eyes at James. Surely Sirius didn't think he was actually buying this. Sirius's plan of pretending that they knew the secret had been good enough, but his performance was weak. James was obviously playing him, but Sirius didn't seem to notice.

James sighed dramatically, causing the corner of Remus's mouth to lift.

"Alright!" James said and Sirius unconsciously leaned forward eagerly. "I…I am dating…A Slytherin."

Sirius's mouth dropped open, Remus snorted, Peter's eyes grew round as saucers, and James looked to be fighting to keep a strait face.

"WHAT?" Sirius screeched.

The bathroom door flung open and Lily walked out, holding up a pair of boxers for everyone to see.

"Everybody look!" She said cheerily, "Sirius wears Hulk undies!"

…


	9. Chapter 9: An Announcement From Remus

…**And in the Ninth Hour…**

Remus rubbed at his aching side. He hadn't expected to laugh himself hoarse for the…what was it? The third time that day? But he had. As soon as Lily had come out of the bathroom with Sirius's boxers, he had fallen to the ground and howled with laughter.

And from the sounds of it, this unexpected event had also caused Peter and James to lose it and he could hear them also wild with amusement.

Sirius, however, had failed to see the humor in it all, and had glared at Lily. Then, it was another screaming match. At least that was what Sirius had tried to create, but Lily had slumped against the wall and was also laughing.

Sirius ended up stuffing his underwear in his pocket and glowering at the lot of them from Debbie's bed.

This had gone on for a good while before anyone calmed down.

"So, wait a second," Lily asked in between bouts of laughter, "you don't know what a pound is, but you know who the Hulk is?"

Sirius didn't answer this. If he had, he would have told them that he did, in fact, know what a pound was; he had only pretended not to know earlier just to push Lily's buttons a little more.

He had read comic books, a lot of guys that he knew did. It didn't matter that they were written by muggles; they were still good stories. But he failed to mention to anyone that he had bought the underwear. He never thought anyone else would see them, so it hadn't much mattered to him.

Finally, he had had enough.

"Ok," he said loudly, "I wear Hulk underwear." This was met by screams of laughter from everyone. "But I'm being judged by dating a Slytherin, changes into a werewolf every month, drawings on his face, and red haired anger issues?" He scoffed. "Hell no I'm not."

The laughter died down, except for James who found it even funnier knowing that Sirius really thought he was dating a Slytherin.

"Who's dating a Slytherin?" Lily asked, confused.

"It seems that Prongs here has gotten over his little fancy for you, Evans." Sirius said loudly to be heard over James's increasing hysterical laughter. "He's dating a Slyther-" But Sirius was cut off from finishing this sentence by Lily, who had busted into laughter again.

It was another long while before this stopped. Not until Lily was hiccoughing heap on the floor, and James was a whimpering heap on the bed, was there finally silence.

Sirius was over in the corner, his arms crossed over his chest and glaring at them, Peter was blanching at the thought of having to go another whole week with these drawings on his face, and Remus was thinking.

He was slowly starting to put the pieces together in his head. Lily and James were acting abnormally. And though the strange behavior wasn't necessarily out there for everyone to see (in other words, you had to really look to see there was something wrong) Remus was sure that they were hiding something.

He was almost positive that they must be going out—and he shuddered to think about what they must have done in the bathroom together with him just feet away and oblivious.

They were suddenly nice to each other—weird. Lily hadn't yelled at James nearly half as much as she had the rest of them about being locked in here—weird. They had disappeared into the bathroom together in silence and then reappeared looking slightly flushed—very weird.

And the fact that James was clearly hiding something and that he had played Sirius earlier when he had tried to find it out was not lost on Remus.

But, Remus told himself, he would find out sooner or later what James was hiding. He had found out from a young age that he couldn't stand not knowing things. If someone had a secret he HAD to know or the curiosity would just eat him up. Though he was pretty sure what their secret was, he had to dig it out of James.

And while just asking James would probably be the best way to get an honest answer, it wasn't any fun. It's no fun to do things the nice way where you save everyone some embarrassment. No, Remus was going to make sure that everyone in the dorm knew before the night was over.

Why?

Because he's Remus.

On the other side of the room, Sirius was thinking the exact opposite thing. He couldn't figure why James had betrayed all of them and gone out with a Slytherin. It was so cruel of him. HOW could his best mate flip sides like that? All the years they had been at Hogwarts and never once had they been nice to a Slytherin and vice versa.

It didn't occur to Sirius not once that James was making the story up. Never had James lied to him before, so why would he start now? Well…except for that one time on Halloween when he told him that Gene Simmons was hiding in his closet and was going to eat him if he came near it.

This was NOT amusing because Sirius had always been freaked out by that creepy muggle band with their tongues and their face paint and their—OK, he had to stop thinking about it.

But he didn't go near his closet for a week after that.

But no, James would not lie about something like that. Of that he was positive. Well…mostly positive. About eighty percent…ok seventy…maybe sixty five…

Was James lying? It would be VERY out of character for him to start dating a Slytherin. He had, after all, mooned over Lily Evans for years. OK, he had to find out. He HAD to know if James was lying. Because if he wasn't, then Sirius would personally straighten out whatever had happened to James's head.

James was still lying on one of the beds, holding his aching stomach. He had laughed so hard today he was surprised he hadn't had an aneurism. But the night wasn't over yet, there was still hope.

Uh—he meant um…What did he mean?

He had just rolled over to sit on the edge of the bed, with his hands on his knees when Remus approached him.

"Prongs," he nodded his head at him. "Can I speak with you for a moment?"

Lily, who had settled herself back on her bed and was trying to discreetly eat her crackers, forced herself not to look over at them in alarm.

James also tried not to panic because he knew that look in Remus's eye. He knew. And James knew that he knew which just made things worse. He could refuse to go into the bathroom with him, but if he did that, there was no doubt in his mind that Remus would just blurt it out right here in front of everyone.

So James only had one choice.

"Er, sure, ok mate," he ruffled his hair awkwardly as he stood and followed Remus into the bathroom. No one noticed the glance that he and Lily shared.

It was when the door closed that Sirius realized what Remus was doing. He was trying to find out James's secret. Hm…ok then. It might be crazy thinking of such things, but Sirius had to wonder if Lily knew what James's secret was. She had, after all, spent time with him in the bathroom and they had been nice to each other all week. Maybe they had become friends. Maybe she knew. MAYBE he could get it out of her.

His hands in his pockets, he strolled over to Lily's bed and stared at her. Hm…she was looking a bit worried, but she looked like she was trying to hide it. Interesting. VERY interesting STUFF.

"Hullo Lily," he said pleasantly as he sat on the edge of her bed and stretched his legs out lazily in front of him.

"Black, what are you doing?"

"Oh…NOTHING. Nothing at all…Wonder what they're talking about in there."

Lily chewed on her bottom lip nervously. Surely Sirius didn't know. Sirius was…well…Sirius. Remus she would have expected to figure it out, but Sirius…No, surely not. Whatever she did, she couldn't give anything away. She shrugged one shoulder.

"I don't know; why don't you go ask?" She asked.

"Actually, I think I will," he turned his head quickly (and a little freakily in Lily's opinion) and stared at her. "What's his secret? I know you know, Evans, tell me, tell me, TELL ME!"

"Shut-up!" She shushed him because Peter was looking over at them suspiciously.

"No, you have to tell me!" He said quickly, but it was in a whisper. "Tell me now! Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, TELL ME!"

Lily sat and stared at him as he continued on. Did he really think that that was going to work?

"-Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, OH, and what was I going to say? Oh yeah—TELL ME!"

"BLACK!" She hissed. "Shut-up!" She frantically searched her mind for something to distract him with. "Uh…ok, can you keep a secret?" She asked him and he nodded happily, reminding her strongly of her five-year-old cousin.

"Ok," she said quietly and he leaned towards her. "If you shut-up and leave me alone, I'll give you a cracker."

Sirius perked up like a…well, like a dog at the mention of food. His back straightened and his eyes widened and Lily was sure that if he had a tail it would be wagging right this second.

"Do you want a cracker?" She asked.

He started nodding vigorously at this, his stomach grumbling at the mention of food. It had been hours since he last ate. "YES!" He hollered, causing Peter to fall off of the window sill.

Peter got up, grumbling and went back to his seat, all the while glaring murderously at Sirius.

"Sirius, you have to be quiet." Lily scolded. "Now if you stop pestering me, you get a cracker. Does Sirius want a cracker?"

He continued nodding with a gleeful grin in place. "Yes, yes Evans, Sirius wants a cracker!"

"Can Sirius leave me alone?" She asked, feeling more ridiculous by the second, "and can Sirius keep a secret about the crackers?"

He kept nodding and then actually let out a little whine.

"Then hide over there so Peter can't see you," Lily motioned to the floor on the other side of her bed. From where he was, Peter couldn't see him it at all. Sirius scrambled over her bed (wrinkling everything) and onto the floor.

Three minutes earlier, Remus closed the door to the bathroom and fixed James with the most serious stare he could muster. He was actually quite good at this, but he wasn't sure if it would work on James since he knew him so well.

But what would it hurt to try? NOTHING, that's what!

"I know, James. I _really_ know." He added when he saw James's skeptical look.

"Mhmm," James nodded. "And what is it that you know?"

"About you and Lily. I know everything."

Remus watched James's face closely but the other boy didn't even blink. Instead, he looked at _him_ like he was crazy.

"Erm, what's that?" James laughed.

"Don't laugh; I know what you two were doing in the bathroom." At this, Remus glanced down at the rug on the floor—a little grossed out.

James snorted loudly, startling Remus. "Yeah Moony, you got us, we came in here, shagged in less than ten minutes, and stayed quiet the entire time." James continued to laugh.

Remus was feeling kind of insulted. He KNEW that he was right. But…James seemed so very amused. And so very…non-guilty. But he had to remember: James Potter was the best liar he'd ever met, hands down. He was not going to convince him that he and Lily weren't together.

"James, you can't lie to me, I know you."

"I'm not lying." James said and to Remus's irritation he seemed perfectly sincere when he said that. "Though I wish I was. You know that."

Remus narrowed his eyes at him. "You and Lily aren't together?"

"No." James responded without hesitation.

"Are you sure?"

"What—of course I am."

"James."

"Er…Remus."

"You're lying."

"NO I'm not!"

"Yes, you ARE."

"Er, no."

"Yes." Remus crossed his arms over his chest determinedly. This was not an argument that he was going to lose.

"NO!"

"Yes, James."

"No, REMUS."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"No."

"YES! I mean-"

"AHA!" Remus pointed a triumphant finger at James who was looking quite annoyed.

"You messed me up!" James countered.

"You said yes," Remus smirked.

"I also said no." James said in a monotone.

"Whatever mate, but you and Lily are in looooove." Remus grinned as James glared at him.

"I'm leaving now." James pouted and turned for the door.

"Ok, lover boy," Remus muttered and James whirled around at him.

"I am not! Don't call me that!"

Oh yes, Remus was one hundred percent certain of it now. He was feeling quite proud of himself. James was starting to not only look annoyed, but also alarmed in a subdued sort of way. He'd never tried to wearing people down by annoying them to death before; that had been Sirius's area of expertise.

"Moony, I—er, promise that I'm not lying."

Remus rolled his eyes. "Ok, lover boy. Whatever you say."

"Stop calling me that!" James yelled. "I'm going back out there now. And…don't lie to everyone else."

Remus grinned. "Of course, lover boy, your secret is safe with me."

James opened the door and sauntered out, looking grumpy as he made his way over to Debbie's bed. As soon as he had settled in on his back, Remus walked out into the dorm, feeling quite evil. Oh YES, VERY evil indeed.

Clapping his hands together, he rubbed them gleefully. "Attention everyone," he said loudly, "But James has just informed me that he and Lily are in fact…a couple."


	10. Chapter 10: Debbie's Dare

**Disclaimer: I DO NOT own All You Need is Love. The song and the lyrics belong the Beatles.**

…**And in the Tenth Hour…**

The affect was instantaneous and as desired.

Lily leapt from the bed, her whole form red and shaking in fury, Sirius popped his head up from the floor next to Lily's bed, looking quite interested, James stared in horror first from Remus, then to Lily, and Peter fell off of the window sill again.

Scrambling from the bed, James attempted to fix the situation as best he could, but Lily spoke—or more like roared—first.

"JAMES! WHAT THE HELL!"

"NO—" James yelled, "I NEVER said that! He's making it up!"

Lily seemed to cool down a little, and James thought with relief that maybe he had gotten out of the mess before Remus spoke again.

"Actually, Lily dear, he said you two shagged in the bathroom earlier."

Peter, who was back on the window sill, fainted at these words and er— fell off yet again, Remus grinned evilly, James put his face in his hands and whimpered sadly, Lily was staring at Remus, and Sirius said, "Way to go, PRONGS!"

Lily was silently thinking over the situation. Surely James wouldn't have told Remus. It had been him, after all, that had thought not to tell anyone. She had gladly gone along with that—Remus, Peter, and Sirius would tease them mercilessly. And it didn't seem like James to tell anyone and not let her know first.

On the other hand…

Lily was a little tired of keeping it a secret. She wanted James, and obviously his friends came along with him. It was something that she was going to have to deal with, sooner or later. And she could deal with it. She loved him that much. And that was saying a _lot_.

She was torn, but…James was the one who wanted to keep it a secret, so she had to respect that.

Aw, James looked so sad over there, like he was in trouble.

Ok, she had to have him _now._

Lifting her chin, she looked Remus right in the eye and said coolly, "Yes, actually, we did. And let me tell you, it was _mind blowing_. James has quite a few talents you don't know about."

Remus dropped his evil grin. He was right, but…this wasn't any fun! He had been hoping for a fight. Sirius let out a whoop and came over to slap James on the back. James, however, was looking embarrassed—yet flattered and he dropped his hands from his face and met Lily's gaze.

She smiled at him—and the affect it had on his heart was ridiculous. He was sure at minute now it was going to beat right out of his chest. Lily was feeling something quite similar. Her stomach was doing somersaults and her heart was fluttering-

"Oh gross!" Sirius suddenly looked disgusted by their display. "Please don't turn the gooey eyes on each other!"

"Shut-up, Black!" Lily snapped, coming out of her love daze.

"Wait a second—" Remus came forward, looking confused. "When did this start?"

"Er…" James looked over to Lily uncertainly as she nodded at him. "A week ago." He said, turning back to Remus with a grin.

"And why weren't we told?" Sirius asked, sounding offended.

"We wanted to get used to it before everyone else found out." James told him.

Folding his arms across his chest, Sirius glared at Lily and James. "You should have said something. We won't embarrass you." He said before grinning. "Much."

Lily, scared, backed away. James dropped his face into his hands again with a groan and no one noticed as Peter woke up from fainting, rubbing his eyes and looking around at them confusedly. Remus, however, was still annoyed that no one was fighting. He would have to fix that.

"Yeah," Remus nodded. "Prongs gave me some PRETTY gory details of what went down in the bathroom." He stopped to wiggle his eyebrows at Lily's horrified look. "I dare say you made me blush, Miss Evans."

Speaking of blushes, the one that lit Lily's face on fire was of a spectacular deep crimson color.

"WHAT!" James gaped at Remus who was once again grinning evilly. "Lily, I didn't say that!"

Lily's face just got redder.

Sirius came to stand next to Remus and was wearing an identical grin. "And what exactly was that, Moony? Or maybe Lily would like to enlighten me?" He asked, turning towards Lily. "Did you kiss him and say breathlessly—'James!'" Sirius said in an over dramatized breathless voice, "James, oh I wish you were Sirius!"

"Shut-up, both of you before I kick both of your asses!" Lily, red faced, snapped at them.

Peter was making his way over towards them. He was looking between all of them, trying to figure out what they were talking about. His head was swimming from fainting and his thoughts were a bit muddled. He tried to take in what was being said but all he caught were little snippets of the conversation that ended up sounding like: 'Lily-and-Moony-would-like-to-kiss-both-asses!'

Peter gaped around at them all. How odd it was that THOSE words were the ONLY words he ended up hearing. Yes, very odd indeed.

Sirius and Remus both ignored Lily's threat and laughing, started making kissing noises in Lily and James direction.

"James and Lily sittin in a tree," Sirius sang while Remus provided a funky and interesting beat. "K-I-S-S-I-N-G!"

Lily bit the inside of her cheek and tried to remain calm. She had, after all, brought this on herself. She wasn't going to freak out. She wasn't going to hit anyone and she WASN'T going to knock Remus and Sirius's heads together like she was currently envisioning in her head. Nope, she was going to remain calm, no matter what. Because if she didn't, James would be the one to suffer…And also Remus and Sirius.

Maybe they would suffer at the end of an ax.

NO! She was NOT going to lose her cool.

Sirius and Remus now had their arms slung over each other's shoulders and were singing 'All You Need is Love' by the Beatles.

Lily clenched her fists and took a deep breath. She was ok. She just had to breathe in the good and breathe out the bad. This wouldn't be so hard if that hadn't been her FAVORITE song. Or more like her former favorite song. She would never be able to listen to it again after this.

"All you need is LOVE!" Remus and Sirius sang joyfully, "All you need is LOVE, LOVE! Love is all you NEED-"

They both screamed the last word and broke apart as Lily dived for them. Remus ran across the room as Sirius ran in the other direction, jumping over Lily's bed and laughing himself silly. James approached the furious Lily from behind and wrapped an arm around her shoulders and caressed her hair soothingly.

"Now, now dear," he said as he glared over her head at the laughing boys. "It's ok now. Let's just remember that we have each other."

Though she was still growling in frustration, Lily turned and wrapped her arms around James's waist.

Peter was watching all of this with his mouth open. He had _thought_ he had heard Remus mention Lily and James shagging before he had passed out. But he had thought that surely this must have been a figment of his imagination. But now that Lily and James were openly holding onto each other, he knew that what he had heard must have been true.

"WAIT!" he suddenly burst, causing the couple to look over him. "You two did it in the bathroom?"

They both flushed at the same time, answering his question.

Peter stared at them disbelievingly. "And how long have you been going out?'

"A week," James said slowly.

"Um," Peter blinked, "don't you think that's a bit fast? You've been going out for a WEEK."

James shrugged but Lily suddenly looked upset.

"We've known each other for years," James said, worriedly looking at Lily's upset expression.

"That is fast," Lily said quietly. "Oh my God…I'm a harlot!"

"What!" James said, alarmed, "No you're not, no you're not! Damn you Wormtail!"

Peter rolled his eyes. "Oh, and doing it in the bathroom with ALL OF US OUT HERE? That's gross! What if we had heard you? Don't you have bathroom smell on your backs now? Don't you-" Peter suddenly faltered as the angry look from Lily (usually reserved for Sirius) was directed at him.

"Uh-oh," he managed to get out before Lily started towards him. James let her go without even bothering to try to calm her down. Peter had asked for it.

Plus, it was fun to watch his friends squeal and run like little girls from his girlfriend.

Ten minutes later, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were a laughing heap on the floor as Lily threw random things at them, trying to still look mad herself and not laugh at them. James was watching them and shaking his head. His eyebrows lifted as Lily threw a clock from her bedside table that hit Sirius squarely in the back.

Sirius screamed, lifted his head to glare at Lily, and was unfortunately met by Remus laughing and shoving his armpit into his face.

Peter poked Remus in the ribs and Remus, who happened to be ticklish in that particular spot, yelped and jerked away just as Peter lifted and farted on both him and Sirius.

Sirius and Remus gasped for fresh air and automatically started trying to scramble to get up as Peter fell into the wall, laughing. Lily, seeing her opportunity, ripped the cover off of her bed and threw it over Remus and Sirius, trapping them under it with the smell. Then she pulled up her shirt collar over her nose and sat on their struggling forms, trapping them in place.

And after another ten minutes after that, Sirius was washing his face in the bathroom sink, Remus was breathing in the fresh air from the open window, Peter was waiting for Sirius to finish so that he could wash his face too, since James had come over and farted on his face, Lily was putting the cover back on her bed, and James was silently appreciating the site of Lily bending over said bed.

"Ok," Sirius said to all of them a few minutes later when he came out of the bathroom. "Now that we all smell like rat farts, I think Lily and James should tell us exactly how they came to be…together."

Remus and Peter nodded in agreement and Lily, who was sitting cross legged on her bed, shrugged.

"Alright," James said before turning to the three other boys, "but NO kissing sounds, no OOOOO's, no did you do its, no asking for explicit details and no, absolutely NO asking for reenactments."

Sirius pouted. "But if you don't do any reenactments, how do I know that I have the right picture in my head?"

Remus shook his head. "Padfoot, I'm pretty sure that no matter what they say, you're going to have only one picture in your head the whole time."

Lily shuddered, James rolled his eyes, and Peter looked confused.

Sirius grinned. "Yeah, you're right. James!"

James, startled at this sudden burst, stared at him. "What?"

"Go sit next to Lily while you tell the story," Sirius said sweetly as he sat on the floor next to Lily's bed.

"Er, why?" James asked, confused, but made his way to Lily's bed anyway.

"Because if you're telling the story together, it's better if you sit next to each other while you do it."

"What? How is that?"

"Trust me Prongs, I just know these things." Sirius said matter-of factly.

As James sat next to Lily, he muttered something that sounded suspiciously like, "At least you know something."

Sirius shot him a look.

"Ok!" Lily said loudly before Sirius could say anything. "Well the story starts-"

"A week ago?" Remus cut her off.

"No," Lily said, annoyed, "it actually starts a month ago."

"A month ago?" Peter asked, "I thought you said you started dating a week ago."

"We did." James said.

Lily nodded. "Yes, but the story starts a month ago so shut your holes."

_Flashback_

Lily Evans was walking down the hall, heading to Charms class. She innocently made her way through the throng of students, NOT hoping to catch a sight of James because she had NOT had any sexy dreams about him lately. None at all.

_End Flashback_

"Wait, WHAT?" Remus interrupted rudely. "What has that got to do with anything?"

"Quiet Black!" Lily snapped. "I mean Pettigrew—I mean…whichever one you are! Be quiet. Now where was I?"

_Flashback_

Lily was walking to her Charms class, blah, blah, blah, and NOT thinking James. That was when she walked strait into James.

"Oh hey, Evans. Looking good. Go out with me! Go out with me! Go out with me! Go out with me! Go out with me! Go out with me! Please! Oh, and have I mentioned how good looking I am today?"

James chuckled as he ran his hands through his hair. "Yes, I am SO handsome and very full of myself because of it. Now go out with me wench!"

_End Flashback_

"WHAT!" James screeched.

"James, I'm telling a story," Lily said seriously.

"When did I EVER call you wench? I wouldn't call you that!" James said while wildly flinging his hands through the air.

Peter, Remus, and Sirius, who were enjoying story time, (not to mention this other entertainment) watched delightedly as they looked to Lily for her response to this.

Lily was rolling her eyes. "Ok, so maybe I embellished a bit. I'm sorry."

James grinned and leaning forward, kissed her nose lovingly. "Ok." His expression suddenly turned into a serious one. "But I'm telling the story now."

"But-"

_Flashback_

Once upon a month ago, James was walking to Charms class from the hospital wing. He had just come from there because Sirius, who was supposed to be his best friend, had thought it would be funny to magic the toilet seat off of the toilet and send it flying in his direction.

But that's a story for another time.

Just as James was thinking that he would never call anyone a wench because of all the respect he had for all women in general, James ran into Lily. He had a strong suspicion that this run-in was not at all accidental. He was pretty sure that Lily had run into him on purpose, because who wouldn't? James was an extraordinarily good looking man.

But he wasn't full of himself!

But James was sure that Lily had run into him on purpose because he had a STRONG suspicion that Lily had been having some very sexy dreams about him as of late.

"Hey Evans," James greeted, "You look pretty today. Want to go to Hogsmeade this weekend?"

For no reason, Lily suddenly looked very angry and murderous at his proposal. "NO, Potter!" She screamed, sending spit flying in all directions as her eyes bulged out. "I will NEVER go out with you! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! OH, AND WHAT WAS I GOING TO SAY? OH YEAH, NEEEVEEERRRR!"

James was a bit scared by this point and backed away silently, hoping that Lily wouldn't jump on him and ravish him right out in here in the open, because there was a VERY strong possibility of that happening.

_End Flashback_

"Why didn't I stop you in the middle of that?" Lily asked in a bored tone.

"Probably because you knew that that was how it really happened," James grinned.

"Wait a second," Peter said suddenly. "I think I remember that day."

Remus lifted an eyebrow at him. "You remember a random day a month ago when we were heading to class? Everyday is like that, how could you possibly know what day they're talking about?"

Peter shook his head. "No, I remember that because it's the same day that I remember-"

_Flashback_

On the same day that Lily and James were referring to exactly a month ago, Peter was walking down the hall after lunch, stuck behind a group of seventh year girls. He really didn't try to hear what they were saying, but their voices traveled back to him anyway.

"Why won't you just give him one chance, Lily?" A girl with brown curly hair was saying. "I think he really might like you."

"Yeah," another girl with short black hair agreed, "I mean, he's been chasing you for years, I think that says that he likes you."

"Maybe you're right, Debbie," Lily said to the black haired girl, "but I just…he's very…big headed. His head might just explode if I accepted a date."

"Yours might if you keep having those dreams," the brown haired girl said and caused both she and Debbie to burst into a fit of giggles.

Lily shook her head. "I should have never told you guys that."

"Ok Lils," Debbie grinned. "That's it. I'm tired of you saying no. So I triple dog dare you accept a date with James."

Peter's eyebrows shot up at this. A triple dog dare was nothing to joke around about…yes, he was serious.

Lily was gaping at Debbie. "You can't do that!"

"I can," Debbie countered, "and I did. I triple dog dared you. Now you have to go out with James."

Lily sighed. "Oh fine then. We'll see."

_End Flashback_

"You wench!" Lily yelled at Peter.

James was gaping at Lily. "You went out with me on a DARE?"

Lily chewed her lip nervously as the boys looked on with identical grins on their faces.

"I…I…yes." She winced slightly, waiting for the screaming to start.

James stared at her for a long moment before finally, slowly, he grinned. "No kidding? Far out."


	11. Chapter 11: The Leg Girl

…**And in the Eleventh Hour…**

"Far out?" Lily asked uncertainly. "You're not mad?"

James looked confused. "Why would I be? The girl I've liked for years went out with me and now she's my…er….girlfriend. What reason would I have for being angry?"

Remus lifted an eyebrow. "Why did you pause before you said girlfriend?"

James shrugged nonchalantly. But Lily flushed. "No reason," James said quickly before changing the subject. "Who wants to hear the _actual_ story?"

Remus continued to give Lily and James a curious look but Peter and Sirius asked to hear the story.

"Ok," James said, "so what really happened was that I asked Lily out that day and she accepted. I thought it was weird, considering," he made a gesture with his hand, "you know. But we went out on the next Hogsmeade trip anyway."

"Wait," Sirius interrupted, "was that the Hogsmeade trip when you ditched us in The Three Broomsticks and said you were buying presents for us?"

James nodded. "Yes."

"Oh, so that's why you bought those licorice wands for them," Lily said, soundly slightly relieved. "That had me worried."

They all stared at her for one long, quiet moment.

"I don't want to think about why you were worried." Remus said finally.

"I wouldn't, if I were you," Lily replied grimly.

James stared at her worriedly for a moment before shaking his head slowly as if to rid himself of his thoughts. "OOOOOKay then…anyway…where was I? Oh yeah. Lily and I went off on our date-"

"James made me picnic," Lily said, smiling in remembrance. "It was in that meadow right outside of Hogsmeade. The tulips were blooming and these butterflies were-"

"Screw the butterflies; I want to hear about the dirty stuff!" Sirius said rudely.

Lily glared as James continued.

"Er…yeah…anyway, we went on the picnic-"

"He had these delicious strawberry crepes," Lily said, her mouth watering at the thought.

"Don't talk about food!" Remus snapped. "I'm starving."

Sirius tried not to look guilty as he remembered the crackers he had eaten.

"Yes, _anyway_," James ground his teeth together, "we ate the crepes-"

"Dude! What did we JUST talk about?" Remus yelled as his stomach grumbled.

"Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?" Peter asked suddenly.

"Because all glue bottles are magic, obviously," Sirius answered him.

James gripped onto the bed cover until his knuckles turned white. "After we did that, Lily-"

"You know what's a better question, Wormtail?" Sirius leaned around Remus to ask Peter. "If you had the choice to live with a gorilla who knows sign language or a dog who sings lullabies, which would you choose?"

"The dog," Peter said automatically.

"Why?"

"Because gorillas creep me out."

"What! Why? Gorillas are far out."

"WHAT!" James stared at Sirius. "Gorillas are _far out_? Since WHEN?"

"Since always, Prongs. You were just too wrapped up in your own world to notice them."

"Oh gee, sorry I didn't take more time to notice all the gorillas running around Hogwarts." James rolled his eyes.

"Ok, you're forgiven." Sirius crossed his arms. "This time."

James glared.

"OK," Lily said loudly, hoping to end this strange conversation. "James, why don't you go back to the story? And you three pipe down."

"Thank you, Lily," James said and they exchanged a smile that made Remus, Peter, and Sirius want to gag. "Ok, so getting back to the story…Lily and I went to the meadow, had our picnic, shared some interesting conversation, and then Lily practically threw herself at me."

"What!" Lily asked loudly. "This is not how I remember it."

"How would you know?" James countered. "You got drunk before I did."

"No I didn't!" Lily argued, not noticing all of the boy's eyebrows shoot up at the same time. "You were the one who pulled it out!"

Sirius gaped and then inwardly groaned at his own dirty thought.

"And I was also the one who dared you to swig it." James grinned.

Sirius almost fainted.

"And I did." Lily replied, not noticing that Sirius was starting to sweat. "And then you did!"

Sirius slapped himself in the forehead but it went unnoticed by everyone.

"You got drunk first!" James said, "That's why you dropped it and it went flying all over your shirt."

"OH MY GOD, PLEASE STOP!" Sirius burst as an unbelievable amount of dirty thoughts and pictures went racing through his mind like a dirty flipbook.

Everyone turned and stared at him confusedly.

"What's your problem?" Lily asked.

James didn't need to ask. He narrowed his eyes at Sirius. He knew all too well what was going through his head. He himself had thought the conversation sounded a bit…odd. But he didn't like Sirius thinking about his girlfriend in any dirty context. He didn't want to have to kick his best friend's ass.

"Nothing Lily," James said quickly, "I think Sirius's shin is just sore." He smiled.

"What?" Sirius asked confusedly just as James kicked him in the leg. "Oi!" He yelped but no one was paying attention to him anymore.

"WHY were you two drunk?" Peter asked.

"Lily can't hold her liquor," James grinned. "And apparently, neither can I."

"We were playing 'I never'," Lily answered. "It's a drinking game."

"WAIT," Remus held up a hand. "_You_smoke pot and know drinking games? When did this _happen_?"

Lily didn't answer.

"Anyhow…" James said, "we got drunk, had fun, and then…I guess after that it was inevitable. We were destined to be together."

Sirius rolled his eyes.

"Wow, that's the most romantic date I've ever heard of," Peter said sarcastically.

James grinned, Lily flushed, Sirius was still rubbing his leg, and no one noticed that Remus was studying Lily and James suspiciously.

"What do you mean by 'had fun'?" Remus asked. "What exactly did you do?"

"Nothing." Lily said quickly. Too quickly.

"Er-" James started.

"I'm so hungry!" Peter said suddenly. "What time is it?"

Lily glanced over at her clock. "Whoa…it's midnight."

Sirius shuddered. "That's creepy."

"Huh?" Lily looked confused. "Why is that creepy?"

"Don't you know what they say about midnight?" Sirius asked in a haunted sounding voice. "Hasn't anyone ever told you about…_the leg girl_?"

"Is she hot?" Remus asked with a grin.

Sirius whipped around rather freakily. "No! She was only eleven…when she DIED!"

Everyone stared at him.

"I'm still hungry." Peter said after a moment's silence.

"So was the leg girl!" Sirius whispered. "When she died…at MIDNIGHT."

"Why did I see that coming?" Lily asked lazily.

"Because it's midnight." James pointed at the clock and tried not to laugh.

"This isn't funny!" Sirius said dramatically, getting to his feet to loom over them. "The leg girl was eleven…and hungry when she died…at midnight. No one knows how she died," he whispered, "one day she just came up into THIS dorm and never came back down. They never even found a body."

"Then how do they know she's dead?" Remus asked.

"Now, trapped in the afterlife," Sirius continued, ignoring Remus. "She's still hungry and will do anything for a bit of food. And do you know what her favorite food is?" He looked around at them all. "Legs. Fresh, warm HUMAN flesh-"

"We're wizards, does that count as human?" Peter asked curiously.

"Of course it does!" Sirius said, "And when she's through eating the legs of Hogwarts students, she ALWAYS takes them to the afterlife with her, so that she can eat their legs for ALL eternity!"

"Wait," Lily held up a hand, "if she ate our legs BEFORE she brought us to the afterlife, what is there left for her to eat for all eternity?"

Sirius stared. "YOUR HEART!" He burst suddenly.

No one jumped. No one was surprised in the least. Everyone just stared at him.

"Ok," Sirius shrugged. "That was _supposed_ to scare you."

James rolled his eyes. "Oh wow, I wonder why it didn't. Probably because there was an insane amount of plot holes in that story."

"Well that was the best story that I could come up with on the spot," Sirius said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest.

"James!" Remus said suddenly, "What did you mean by 'had fun'?"

James glared. "You're back on that again?"

Lily climbed off of the bed and stretched. "I'm going to take a shower. Sirius!" She swung around to glare at Sirius. "If you dare try to come in there I will…I'll send the leg girl after you!" She turned without waiting for answer and walked into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her.

She turned to the empty bathroom after closing the door and looked around. A slight chill came over her as she went over to the shower. Turning the water on, she fought the urge not to turn around and glance around the bathroom. The leg girl was NOT there. The leg girl was NOT even real.

She couldn't help it. Lily turned and cast a quick look around the bathroom, breathing a sigh of relief when she didn't see anything.

"Damn you Sirius Black!" She muttered as she turned back to the shower.


	12. Chapter 12: Lily's Dreams

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters, Ronald McDonald, or a pair of sparkly bellbottoms.**

…**And in the Twelfth Hour…**

The dorm was dark and silent. Well, semi-silent anyway. Dark because they had cut all of the lights and climbed into separate beds, and semi-silent because Sirius wouldn't be quiet. They had gone to bed twenty minutes ago. Everytime Lily would drift off, Sirius would ask what time it was, say he was hungry, complain that the room was creepy in the dark, or ask if everyone else was still awake.

It had been five minutes ago that he had last said anything. Lily felt comfortable about lying down and slowly, slooowly drifting off into a deep-

"I'm not sleepy!" Sirius suddenly burst, causing Lily to fly screaming up and off of the bed and face first onto the cold, stone floor.

"BLACK!" She thundered as she got to her feet.

Remus, who was in one of the beds closer to her, silently shrank into the mattress away from her appearance. Her hair was sticking in every direction, her body was rigid with anger, and he could make out through the moonlight coming in from the window that her face was an angry red color.

"What is it Lily dear?" Sirius said through the darkness.

"ONE MORE WORD," She roared, "AND I WILL CHOP YOUR FREAKING HEAD OFF!"

"But that's my best asset," Sirius complained, not sounding worried at all, "besides my cute tush, that it."

"OH, REALLY?" Lily screeched, "WELL IN THAT CASE, MAYBE I'LL SHOP OFF YOUR DI-"

The room was suddenly punctuated by an incredibly loud snoring from the corner bed. They couldn't see each other, but all eyes went in that direction curiously. Lily tried to remember who was in that bed. She prayed that it wasn't James. She didn't want to end up living with—UM…what's that? Living with? No, Lily never thought that. Forget that was there.

"I guess Peter is asleep," James's voice said out of the darkness.

"How the hell is he sleeping?" Lily asked; all the more mad because Peter had somehow gotten to sleep while she was still awake.

"He does that," Remus replied as he laid back and closed his eyes. "Peter can sleep through anything. I suppose that right about now it would seem like a gift."

"Really Sirius," James said, "Go to sleep. The rest of us are tired."

Sirius sighed and was heard grumbling on the bed. "Oh I'm sure you are, Mr. I have sex on the bathroom floor while my friends are right outside."

Lily climbed back into bed as James replied.

"That would suck to have a last name that long," he yawned.

"Hey James?" Remus said suddenly. "What did you do for fun when you got drunk on your date with Lily?"

"I don't know," James replied, "I was drunk, I don't remember."

"Then how do you know that you had fun?"

"I…don't," James said slowly. "Maybe I didn't."

"What did you do, James?"

"Nothing!"

"Some people are TRYING to sleep!" Sirius said suddenly from Debbie's bed.

"Yes, SOME people are!" Lily muttered.

"Sorry," James and Remus murmured in unison.

…**And in the Fourteenth Hour…**

Lily was free. FREE! Finally she was out of that God forsaken room and away from those wild oafs. Now she could go and do all the things that she had missed doing while she had been stuck in there. Like eating and snogging James and hiding from Sirius and reading in the library.

She felt like jumping for joy. In fact, she did. She jumped for joy strait across the Gryffindor common room and down through the portrait. It was unfortunate that at that moment the earth decided to shake. That was odd. It wasn't like it was just the ground shaking underneath her, either.

The whole world was shaking back and forth and Lily felt an odd pressure on her shoulder—

"Lily, Lily, wake up!"

Lily's heart pounded painfully as she was brought back to consciousness. Not just from the shock, but also from being indescribably mad at being woken up after she had _just_ gotten to sleep and was also having the best dream ever.

She opened her eyes quickly and blinked drowsily only to find Sirius's face above her.

Sirius grinned. "Hi."

"BLACK!"

James screamed and flew out of his bed, Remus sat straight up in alarm and started to look around wildly for the source of the noise, Sirius just grinned wider, and Peter snorted in his sleep and rolled over onto his stomach.

"IT'S-" Lily screeched before glancing over at her clock, "FIVE IN THE MORNING! WHY WHY WHY DO YOU HATE ME? WHY ARE YOU WAKING ME UP? WHY ARE YOU ON MY BED? AND WHY THE HELL DON'T YOU HAVE ANY CLOTHES ON?"

Sirius wiggled his eyebrows as he slid closer. Lily jumped out of the bed…just as Sirius started to turn into Ronald McDonald. Lily watched in horror. Hopefully, she was dreaming again. Hopefully, no one would ever find out that she was dreaming of Ronald McDonald naked in her bed. And hopefully, HOPEFULLY, she could wake up from this nightmare and SOON.

Ronald McDonald cackled evilly before standing up and coming towards her. "Hello my pretty! I'm gonna give you a happy meal you'll never forget!"

"Oh my God," Lily muttered. "Wait till I James about this one…AH!"

She ran away as Ronald McDonald started running towards her.

…**And in the Fifteenth Hour…**

Lily woke with a jerk and immediately sat up and looked around wildly. She was positive that any second now Ronald McDonald would jump out of the darkness and come towards her again. If he did, she was fully prepared to karate chop his goofy head right off. Not ever was she going to let that clown touch her—wait a second…What was that?

Lily squinted through the dark to see who was moving at the foot of her bed, but there was no need. A spotlight came on from seemingly no where and shone down there…to reveal James shirtless and sporting a pair of sparkling bellbottoms.

"Um-" Lily started to ask what was going on when loud music with a funky beat started blasting out of the walls.

_Bum, bum, bum_ the beat went and everytime it did, James's hips thrust forward.

"Er…Ok, James," Lily said, wide-eyed, "don't be offended but I _really_want to wake up now."

James ignored her in favor ripping his sparkling bellbottoms off in one fluid motion.

"What the hell was in those crackers I ate?" Lily asked herself as she watched James starting to do splits.

She didn't want to know what was next. When she finally woke up, Lily was determined never to think about any of this ever again. She would pretend that none of it ever happened because that was the best solution to keep her sanity intact.

Instead of watching this horrific display from James, Lily dived under her covers and shut her eyes tight. She had to wake up, she had to wake up, she had to wake—

…**And in the Sixteenth Hour…**

She didn't wake up. Lily knew that she couldn't have because suddenly she was on the front lawn of Hogwarts, standing next to Hagrid's hut. And she also knew that she was dreaming because they were obviously in class with the Slytherins. Looking around, Lily noted that Professors McGonagall and Slughorn were both out here. So whether this was supposed to be Transfiguration or Potions, she wasn't sure.

"Today," Professor McGonagall said loudly, "We're going to pair you up, Gryffindor versus Slytherin, and you're all going to fight to the death, gladiator style. Any questions?" She asked innocently.

"Yes," James, who appeared from no where next to Lily, "is this really to the death?"

"Of course Mister Potter!" McGonagall said sharply. "Don't be such a ding dong!"

Lily lifted an eyebrow before turning to James and whispering, "James, this is weird. I don't want to kill anyone. Let's run away and hide."

"No," James shook his head and didn't even look at her. "I'm going to kill that guy. I have to!" He insisted and pointed out one of the Slytherins. "Do you know what he did to me? He said that I smelled like poop!" James looked very offended as he said shrilly, "Poop! Can believe that, Lily? I do NOT smell like POOP! POOOOP!"

"Uh…Ok," Lily said slowly as she noticed with some embarrassment that people were starting to stare. "But…wait a second…" she narrowed her eyes at the Slytherin that James was pointing out. "JAMES!" She gasped. "That's a first year! You can't kill a first year!"

"Oh, relax would you?" James said casually as Professor McGonagall called him to the front, "It's no big deal. I'll just kill him real quick and then we'll go snog or something."

He shrugged nonchalantly as he strolled in the clearing at the front of the class and met the first year Slytherin.

The child smiled sweetly before talking a voice that Lily had only ever heard coming from professional wrestlers. "HEY POTTER! I'M GONNA RIP OUT YOUR INTESTINES AND MAKE ME NICE WREATH!"

Lily was just thinking that that would make one hideous wreath when Professor McGonagall spoke up.

"Potter, first year Slytherin boy, here are your weapons. Use them wisely."

Lily waited in anticipation to see what the weapons were. Then she saw that Professor McGonagall handed them both a stick full of—FULL OF—OF—OF!

Cotton Candy.

Lily sighed in relief.

"ON GUARD!" James shouted and dived at the Slytherin boy with the cotton candy.

It was a very strange fight. Lily found it odd that her mind had come up with such impressive moves (all the kicks, punches, ducks, and rolls) all in a dream. She was most shocked when James did several back flips, and landed neatly on his feet, only to rip off his robe and reveal a pair of sparkly bellbottoms and no shirt.

Lily slapped herself on the forehead.

The Slytherin boy flipped around all over the place, bouncing from spot to spot, running around until he was just a blur, before diving at James, somehow performing a triple-axel jump and delivering a swift kick to James's gut all in one, impressive motion.

But James had been ready. He whipped out the cotton candy and wacked the boy over the head with it, knocking him out cold.

"Ok, how did _that_ happen?" Lily asked in confusion.

"The winner is Mister Ding Dong Potter!" Professor McGonagall announced and the Gryffindors, and for some reason the Slytherins, all erupted in cheers. "And Lily Evans is next!"

Lily was about to protest, when suddenly, she was already out in the clearing with a daisy in her hand. Wait, a daisy?

"Uh, where's my wand?" Lily asked Professor McGonagall in panic.

"That's the weapon that you just chose two seconds ago, Miss Evans." She said matter-of-factly. "Don't tell me that you would like to have that bazooka. You were so opposed to the bazooka a moment ago."

"What-" she started to ask when she heard a strange rumbling sound.

"And here is your opponent," the Professor said loudly so that all the students could hear. "It's none other than RUBEUS HAAAAGRIIIDD!"

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" Lily screeched.

But she was cut off by Hagrid, who ran out of behind his hut with a large chainsaw held over his head. "I'M GONNA KILL YER NOW!" Hagrid laughed evilly before revving up the chainsaw.

Lily watched him coming towards her, already feeling defeated. She _really_ wanted to wake up now. She wanted to wake up and never go back to sleep. If she was going to keep dreaming crap like this, then she would force herself to stay awake for the rest of her life.

"Oh holy hell," she muttered as she started to run for it.

…**And in the Seventeenth Hour…**

Lily gasped as she opened her eyes. The canopy above her had little streams of sunlight glinting off of it. The sound of birds singing outside of the window, and the breathing of the boys filled her ears. She sat up quickly and looked around with suspicion in her eyes. This was too good to be true.

But the longer she looked around her, she still didn't see Ronald McDonald, sparkly bellbottoms, or any chainsaws coming at her.

She sat back and sighed in relief. She wasn't going back to sleep. She wouldn't let herself. Now she just had to find something else to do while she waited for the boys to wake up.

…

**A/N: Yeah, I had way too much fun writing that. And I'm sorry if I totally ruined Ronald McDonald for you.**


	13. Chapter 13: Remus's Angels

…**And in the Eighteenth Hour…**

Turns out, it didn't take long for the boys to wake up. This could be because Lily got bored and deliberately made noise to try to get them up. But she wanted to make it look like an accident and not like she actually wanted them awake. No, that wouldn't do at all.

So the first thing she tried was going into the bathroom (after she had brushed her teeth and put on her clothes) and flushing the toilet. Her toilet was annoyingly loud and regularly woke her up on a nightly basis when one of her roommates would flush it.

So when she flushed, she ran out of the bathroom, and said loudly, "OOPS! I didn't mean to…" But she trailed off into silence as she noticed that the boys had not woken up at all. They hadn't even rolled over or flinched.

That was ok, she would just have to try harder. So she went back into the bathroom (leaving the door wide open) and opened the toilet lid and slammed it back down again.

"OOPS!" She said as she ran back into the room.

But still the boys were fast asleep.

So she did the next most logical thing that _anyone_ would do. She went over to her trunk, opened it and then slammed it down three times.

"Sirius, get off of my elf!" James said loudly as he rolled over. "That's my elf! Get your own…"

And then he was snoring softly. Remus rolled over and sighed happily, Sirius, who was lying on his stomach, grunted loudly and then farted, and Peter was the only one who didn't budge.

Lily glowered at them all before she opened her trunk again, reached in, grabbed two books, and then pulled them back out. She walked over to stand over Remus who had a little pleasant smile on his face. At least Remus seemed to be having sweet dreams, unlike her, Lily thought grumpily.

She would put an end to that.

Lily held the books two inches above his head before she pulled both of her arms back and then slammed the books back together. The impact made a loud _crack_ sound and Remus jerked into consciousness and flew out of the bed in a tangle of sheets.

"Oops!" Lily said pleasantly. "Sorry Lupin, was that too loud? I didn't mean to wake you…"

Remus blinked slowly up at her from the floor. He still looked half asleep. His usually neat blonde hair was a sloppy mess on his head, and his eyes looked drowsy with sleep. He glared at her for a moment before reaching up onto the bed and pulling the pillow down to him.

"Lily," He said in a low, angry voice that Lily had never heard from him before. "I was having the _best_dream and you rudely interrupted it. Now if you don't mind, Farah Fawcett is waiting on me. Goodnight."

"No!" She complained loudly and Remus winced at the sound. "I'm bored! I've never asked this, and I will never ask it again, but I want you monsters to wake up and hang out with me."

"Go wake James up!" Remus snapped. "I'm sure he would like it."

"But nothing wakes any of you up!" She said, "I've been trying for the past ten minutes!"

Remus sighed and pulled the covers up to his chin before closing his eyes. "OK, go over to James and tell him you're naked. That'll work for Sirius too. You'll need an atomic bomb blast to wake Peter up, but you can try it with him too."

Lily sighed as he pulled the covers over his head and proceeded to ignore her.

Thinking that his plan would probably work, she walked over to the bed where James was laying on his stomach. Hoping that Remus's plan would work, Lily ran and then jumped on James, while saying loudly, "James, I'M NAKED!"

"OH!" A whoosh of air came out of James at the impact on his back. He was instantly awake of course, and he groaned loudly into his pillow.

"Lily, you better actually be naked," he said in a weak voice. "Because that was a painful awakening."

"Good morning!" She said cheerfully before kissing him on the temple.

"No it's not, go back to sleep." He grumbled.

"NO!" She started bouncing on top of him, causing him to groan again. "Wake up! Wake up! I'm bored senseless!"

"Go read a book then!"

"I've read them all," she countered. "And I left that novel I was reading in the common room."

"Then write a story."

"I forgot how to write."

"Lily, this is very strange."

"Yeah? So is your face!"

He chuckled into his pillow and seeing that he was starting to wake up more, Lily started bouncing again.

"AH! Stop that!"

"Say you'll wake up and have fun with me!" She teased.

"Oh how I love when you talk dirty to me," he laughed before raising up and throwing Lily off of his back.

She giggled madly as he proceeded to pin her down and kiss every inch of her face and neck.

"OK! ENOUGH!" Remus yelled angrily as he stood up. "If I can't do it with Charlie's Angels, then you're not going to do it with James!" He balled his hands into fists and angrily threw his covers and pillow back onto the bed.

Lily and James watched him with the same, shocked looks on their faces. No one had ever seen Remus mad before. He was the most laidback person that they knew.

After he had stomped off into the bathroom, (slamming the door behind him) Lily turned to look up at James.

"Wow…he's not a morning person, is he?"

"I reckon he's not today," he rolled off of her and onto his back to stretch. "He's usually really quiet in the morning."

Lily figured in her mind that his unpleasant mood must have been because of the dream she had ripped him from. Whatever she did, Lily was NOT going to think about what he must have been dreaming about. Nope, she wasn't.

"Hey James," she rolled over on her side, bent her elbow, and rested her head on her hand. "Last night I dreamed that Ronald McDonald was naked in my bed and trying to…do things with me."

James looked oddly hurt by this confession. "WHAT! Who is Ronald McDonald and why are you having sex dreams about him and why are you telling me about it!"

"OH yeah, you're not muggleborn. Sorry, I keep forgetting that you don't know these things," she said quickly, "Ronald McDonald is this creepy clown sponsor guy for a muggle restaurant."

James didn't look any less hurt at these words. If anything, he looked more hurt now than he did a moment ago and he also looked extremely confused. "AND WHY are you dreaming about him like that? Sorry if you get mad at me for saying it, Lily, but that's just sick!"

"JAMES!" She gaped at him. "BELIEVE ME, I do NOT want Ronald McDonald! I don't know why I dreamed that! I also dreamed of you…" she trailed off and watched as his sad look started to disappear only to be replaced with a curious one.

"Really?" he asked slowly.

"Yeah," she nodded, "You had on this pair of sparkling bellbottoms, I don't know where those came from…But at one point you ripped them off and started doing these splits-"

They both stopped, feeling someone's gaze. Slowly, they looked over to See Sirius across the room, still laying in bed, but watching them with a pair of wide, horrified eyes. James's face was red; Lily felt embarrassed that she had actually told James that she had dreamed about him in a pair of sparkling bellbottoms.

No one said a word. They simply stared at each other for a long moment before slowly Sirius tugged on the covers and pulled them up over his head.

The sound of the shower in the bathroom and the birds still singing outside of the window were the only noises that filled the room in the awkward silence.

It took a while, but Lily finally opened her mouth to say something else to James, but Sirius, whose head was still under the covers yelled at her.

"NO! Don't say another word about it!"

How he had seen her, Lily didn't know.

"I wasn't going to talk about that," she argued before rolling out of the bed. "I'm er…I'm gonna go wake Peter up now."

James, still in his clothes from the day before (yet now they were covered in wrinkles), jumped out of bed behind her and followed her over to Peter's bed.

It took a lot more to wake Peter up than it had taken Lily to wake up Remus, James, and obviously she had woken Sirius up with the mention of her strange dreams. Peter just lay there drooling into his pillow as she slammed the two books over his head, he didn't move when James jumped on his bed and started jumping all over it, he even kept sleeping when they both got on either side of him and yelled, "PETER!"

So they did the only thing they hadn't tried and both went to one side of his mattress. There they proceeded to lift it together and throw Peter off of the bed, before throwing the mattress on top of him.

He groaned loudly and started cursing, causing Lily and James both to smile brightly and give each other a high five.

Well, Lily thought, at least she wasn't bored anymore.


	14. Chapter 14: The EVIL Owl

…**And in the Nineteenth Hour…**

Peter, Remus, and Sirius were in a foul mood, whereas Lily was oddly cheerful for a change. Peter was mad from being tossed from the bed and having a mattress thrown on him, Remus was still mad from being ripped from the best dream he had ever had, and Sirius was just looking oddly disturbed, but only Lily and James knew why and everyone else was in too bad a mood to ask him about it.

"You know," Lily said after a long, tense silence while the angry boys glared at the walls, "none of you have a right to be mad. Remember how you stuck us all in here?"

"Actually," Remus turned to her with a mad look, "that was _your_ fault if you think about it. If you and James had just told us that you were together, we would have never bothered and we wouldn't all be here."

Lily glared back at him. "So you're saying that I should let all of you in on every detail of my life because you just _might_ be planning to do something stupid to me?"

"YES!" Sirius burst.

"It was actually my idea to keep it a secret," James said slowly.

"OH, what a COINCEDENCE!" Peter said accusingly as he pointed a finger at James. "It was also YOU who closed the door, trapping us all in here in the first place!"

"YOU trapped us in here!" Lily said shrilly, "How was he to know that you BEASTS would put glue on the lock?"

"He should have expected it! It's US!" Sirius yelled back.

"That's the stupidest argument that I've ever heard," James said.

"How is it stupid?" Remus asked curiously. "I think it's a rather good argument. Considering that we've been friends for years and know each other so well. If it was the other way around and I was dating Lily, I would fully expect it out of the rest of you."

"Oh come ON," James rolled his eyes, "don't act like you know us better than I know you guys."

"Obviously you don't," Remus argued, "You didn't see any of this coming."

"Just because I didn't see this, doesn't mean that I don't know what to expect from you." James snapped.

"I'm sorry," Remus said confusedly, "I know you just said something, but it sounded like, 'I don't know my friends, I don't know my friends, Remus knows more than me.'"

James glowered. "You do not!"

"I do."

"No you don't!"

"Yes, James, I do."

"NO you do NOT!"

"Yes, James, he does."

"Sirius, back off."

Sirius huffed and crossed his arms. "Never…you traitor."

James sighed. "How am I a traitor?"

Peter stared at him in disbelief. "Seriously? You're actually going to ask that? YOU get woken up by Lily giggling and kissing you, WE," Peter motioned to himself, Remus, and Sirius, "got woken up in less desirable ways and you're taking Lily's side!"

James frowned, Lily glared.

"Hum…" James nodded. "I guess I am a traitor."

Lily gaped. "James!"

"But," James continued as though he hadn't heard her. "Have you _seen_ my—er…girlfriend? Look at her! You would be a traitor too."

Remus studied James curiously, causing him to fidget nervously. Damn Remus for being so observant!

"Why did you hesitate before you said girlfriend?" Remus asked and James screamed.

"I DIDN'T! We didn't do ANYTHING in Hogsmeade but get drunk!"

Remus wore a triumphant smirk, Peter and Sirius wore identical confused stares, Lily's whole face turned bright red, and James gulped nervously before clearing his throat. He was going to make things right. Right now he just had to think of a justifiable reason why he had just made himself look so insane. And he had it!

He opened his mouth to speak—before Remus cut him off.

"You got married in Hogsmeade, didn't you?"

James and Lily both glanced at each other—Remus grinned evilly, knowing he had guessed right—and then they both burst into laughter at the same time.

And they laughed for a long, long VERY LONG time.

…**And in the Twentieth Hour…**

"SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!" Remus thundered at Lily and James. "You've been laughing for AN HOUR! I GET it, I was wrong, it's not THAT FUNNY!"

"Oh my God," Lily groaned as she clutched her aching stomach with one arm and wiped the tears off of her face with the other. "This is hilarious—I can't believe you said that Remus, that was so…so," she burst into giggles again, causing James to howl with laughter and fall sideways into the wall where he slowly slid down to the floor.

"My head hurts," Sirius said as he glared at Lily and James. "It's eight o'clock in the morning; it's too early for this." He rubbed his eyes. "I'm tired, and I'm hungry…no, I'm starving and I-" he stopped suddenly as his eyes lit up. "Wait a second," he stood up quickly off of Debbie's bed, "Evan's has crackers in her trunk!"

Remus and Peter both jumped to their feet at these words and along with Sirius, they all dived for Lily's trunk like a pack of hungry wolves.

Sirius got there first, only to be pushed out of the way by Remus, who ended up with Peter on his back, trying to get the lid first. Then Sirius came back, tackling both of them to the ground and then jumping onto the trunk triumphantly. Then after he realized that he couldn't open the trunk while he was ON TOP of it (he was delirious from not eating), he jumped off.

As soon as he jumped off and attempted to open the trunk, Lily came from no where and whacked him on the back of the head with a pillow.

The pillow weighed nothing and normally this would never have hurt him in the least, but given the fact that he had hardly gotten any sleep, and hadn't eaten in a good amount of time, the hit made his head feel very light all of a sudden and he was sure he had gone cross-eyed.

"GET AWAY FROM THERE!" Lily was bellowing as she attempted to attack the other boys with the pillow.

Remus and Peter both tackled her at once, causing James to gape at them. As Remus jerked the pillow from her and tossed it away, James came forward.

"You just hit a girl!" He yelled accusingly as he helped Lily to her feet. "You should be ashamed!"

Now it was the Remus, Peter's, and Sirius's turn to gape.

"Are you SERIOUS?" Peter shrieked. "She's been beating the hell out of us since we got in here!"

"That's different!" James argued as he started checking Lily over for bruises. "She's a girl, you don't hit girls! You could have seriously hurt her!"

Unbeknownst to James, since he was checking her arms over for marks, Lily was sending a glare that could melt lead over at the other boys. They all cringed at this.

"James!" Remus pointed at Lily, "Look at her! Look how EVIL she looks!"

James rolled his eyes before looking back up at Lily's face, but by the time he had looked there, she had lost the death glare was looking at him with a pair of wide, innocent, green eyes. The other boys watched, feeling disgusted as she pouted at him and his whole face softened at the look.

"Aw, no she doesn't!" He said happily as he bent to kiss her gently. "She's my Lily," he sighed in contentment as he swept her up in a bear hug.

"This is revolting," Sirius said.

"This is weird," Remus nodded in agreement.

"This is good," Peter said and the other two boys turned to see what he was talking about, to see that he had somehow gotten to the trunk during this whole thing and got a hold of the crackers.

"VICTORY!" Sirius laughed gleefully as he ran into the bathroom with Remus and Peter, AWAY from the crazy girl who would kill them if she had the chance.

After the door slammed, Lily looked up at James, who still had his arms around her.

"Those guy's are suckers," she said as she reached up to link her arms around his neck. "I can't believe that worked."

James nodded. "Yeah, and it's also weird that we never have to talk about the strategies to get them out of the room beforehand. We just figure it out as we go along. How does that work?"

She snuggled closer. "I don't know, I guess we're perfect for each other."

He kissed her on the nose and nodded. "I guess we ought to be since we really _did_ get married in Hogsmeade."

"Yeah, let's not tell anyone that we got drunk and eloped," Lily shuddered as she thought of what her father would say. "Let's just have another ceremony and invite everyone, take lots of pictures, and pretend it was our first one."

"Ok," James said happily as he bent to kiss her again. "I love you Lily Potter."

She smiled. "And I love…owl?"

"Uh…don't you mean, 'owls'? Um, I mean James." James said in confusion before following Lily's gaze out of the window. There was an owl flying out there, and it was heading straight for their window.

Lily watched its progress with a swelling of hope inside of her. If that owl was coming to her window, then she could use it to send a letter down to Professor Dumbledore and he could break them out! Speaking of which, she wondered if any of the Professors had noticed them missing. Not as many people left the castle for Easter break as they did for Christmas, but their absence still should have been noticeable. She explained all of this to James as they watched the bird.

Her heart sunk as she watched it dip down, but then it suddenly came back up and landed outside of her window.

She rushed over to it and opened it quickly. The bird, who looked extremely irritated, stuck out his leg towards her and clucked his beak as though he were telling her to hurry up. Tied to his leg was a little Easter basket, wrapped up and filled with candy no doubt, and a letter from her mother.

"Can you just hold on a sec?" She asked the bird awkwardly as untied the basket, "I have a letter for you to send."

"Riiii!" The bird screamed at her viciously and ruffled his feathers.

Lily glanced back at James, who was looking kind of scared, before turning back to the owl.

"Uh…please?" she asked as she finished untying the basket.

"Riiii!" And a furious attempt at biting her finger was the response she received before he turned to the window.

"Oh no you don't!" James leapt forward and slammed the window closed.

Lily watched in concern and horror as the bird stopped its progress and slowly, SLOWLY, turned its head completely around backwards to glare at James.

"Riiiiiiii!"

"Er, James," she was going to tell him to open the window, and QUICK before the owl ate them alive, when suddenly the bird swung completely around and flew off of the desk towards James's head.

"AH!" James dived and rolled out of the way before springing back to his feet. "Stupid bird! You're sending that letter!"

"Riiii!" The bird screamed again as he—or she started swooping down at his head.

"LILY, WRITE THE LETTER!" James screamed as he dived across a bed and then held up a pillow to hide his face behind. "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WRITE THE LETTER!"

"I don't think he's going to send it, James!" She argued as the bird somehow swooped down, grabbed the pillow from James, and then tossed it away before going for his head again.

"THEN OPEN THE WINDOW, WOMAN!" James, now stuck in a corner, faked to the left, then the right, then the left again before he somersaulted under the screeching owl and sprinted away across the room again.

Lily flung the window open and called the bird. "BIRD! BIRD! The window is OPEN!"

"Riiii!" The bird screeched as it flew down at James who caught it claws in his hands and started having a VERY strange looking arm wrestling match.

A few minutes earlier in the bathroom, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were happily eating their crackers, but sadly reaching the bottom of the box.

"I get that one!" Peter said as he dove his hand in. "It's shaped like an elephant."

"Yeah," Sirius said, "just like you're face."

Remus snorted as Peter glared.

"Sorry, I couldn't help myself," Sirius grinned.

"Yeah," Peter nodded as though he were remembering something. "That's what your mom told me last time I saw her."

Remus snorted again, nearly choking on his cracker, while Sirius glowered.

"She did not say that to you." He said simply before biting into a cracker shaped like a tiger.

"Hey," Remus said after a moment's silence, "er, I just remembered this, but remember the LAST time we left Lily and James alone in a room together? Remember what they did with us right THERE?"

Sirius and Peter both paled.

"You don't think," Sirius started before a loud noise suddenly cut through the air.

"Riiii!"

"LILY, WRITE THE LETTER!"

"Um," Remus looked worriedly at the door. "Did Lily just scream, riiii?"

Peter and Sirius both looked disgusted.

"EW!" They said in unison.

"I'm glad they kept quiet last time," Sirius shook his head and thought of covering his ears.

Remus waved a hand at them to be quiet as he leaned toward the door. "Wait, they're saying something."

"BIRD! BIRD! THE WINDOW IS OPEN!"

Remus, Peter, and Sirius all gawked at each other. They all felt…violated.

"Is she calling James, bird?" Peter asked. "And I don't want to know want the window is supposed to be."

Remus glanced at the door and then back at the two boys. "Wait a second, this can't be right, I'm going out there."

"EW!" Sirius and Peter screamed but it was too late. Remus had opened the door and looked out.

They were met with the sight of James, locked in a death grip with a VERY angry looking owl, wrestling for his life, Lily, screaming at the bird and showing it the open window, and the room looking like it had been ripped apart. Not that the state of the room was the important issue at the moment, but Remus noticed it anyway.

"YOU STUPID BIRD! YOU'RE GOING DOWN!" James screamed as he let go of its legs and attempted to give it a right hook.

"Riiii!" The bird flew out of the way before crapping out two big drops of what looked like lint, which VERY narrowly avoided missing James in the head. It screamed once more, flew around the room in a big circle and then out of the window that Lily closed and locked with a fearful look.

The room rang with silence. James's hands were scratched and bloody, Lily looked (and felt) terrified, Peter still had a cracker handing halfway out of his mouth, and Sirius and Remus wore identical shocked expressions.

Remus was the first to speak after a long, tense silence.

"What the _hell_?"

…


	15. Chapter 15: Lily's Booze

…**And in the Twenty First Hour…**

"That bird," James said, still breathing heavily from his sparring match with the owl, "that _damned_ bird tried to take a crap on me!" He said wildly as he pointed out the two lumps that looked like piles of lint on the floor. "And it tried to kill me!" He shrieked as he showed them his bloody hands.

"Ok," Lily said slowly as she made her way over to him, "let's get your hands cleaned up."

"UM," Remus, who still looked shocked, said loudly, "is anyone going to answer my question? What the HELL _was that_?"

"That was an EVIL, vindictive, STUPID bird that got mad and tried to kill me!" James said as Lily led him to the bathroom.

"James wouldn't let it out the window," she explained as she stopped in front of the bathroom sink and turned on the water. "We wanted to use it to send a letter to Dumbledore so that maybe he could come and break us out of here," she said. Her hands shook as she pulled James's hands under the water.

James hissed but didn't pull back. He bit his lip as the others still looked on in shock.

"So…it attacked you?" Remus asked, sounding as if he didn't believe it.

James nodded as Lily started to soap his hands. "Yes, stupid, bloody git of a bird tried to bite Lily, and then it tried to kill me! I swear to all of you, I SWEAR, when I get out of here, I'm going to hunt that DAMN bird down and chop it stupid feathered head off! I'm going to catch it on fire, and then shove my wand so far up its butt-"

"Wait," Peter interrupted, "You're going to chop its head off and _then_shove a wand up its butt? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

James glared at him. "You still have drawings on your face."

"Yes, thank you for that," Peter replied sarcastically.

Sirius was blinking slowly as though he were still trying to soak it all in. "I…don't know whether to laugh or be afraid. A killer bird is one thing…but a killer bird flying around a room, trying to kill Lily and James is hilarious."

"It is NOT hilarious!" James said shrilly and Lily winced at how loud he was. "I could have DIED!"

Lily was definitely afraid. She knew she was going to have nightmares about it now, though with the things that she had started dreaming it shouldn't be a big step up from the usual crazy. At least the owl hadn't been wearing a pair of sparkly bellbottoms.

But getting back to the point…Lily was afraid, and not amused whatsoever by James's near death experience. Well…ok, she seriously doubted that he could have died from an angry owl attack. But, then again…that owl had been pretty scary. And for whatever reason it had been mad as hell the moment it had come in the window.

She had to stop thinking about it now. It was already going to be a while before she could make herself send another letter, so she had better stop making it worse.

"Let's not talk about it anymore, please," she said weakly as she turned off the water and looked at James's hands. There definitely wasn't going to be any scars, because the cuts weren't that deep. They weren't very serious, but he could have used a bandage here and there. But unfortunately, living the magical world, there was no point in having any bandages.

"Just keep this towel on your hands," she said as she gently passed a hand towel to him. "I guess I'll go clean up the bird poop."

Ten minutes later, Lily sat down on her trunk, exhausted. She had managed to clean up the mess James had caused, and the poop, no thanks to Sirius, who nearly stepped in it, thought it was funny, and then picked it up with some toilet paper and started chasing Peter around the room with it.

Then, just when Lily was thinking about how gross boys were, Sirius tripped, the poop went flying, and hit Peter on the arm who shrieked like a little girl and then ran into the bathroom to take a shower. Lily didn't blame him for being so freaked over it though. If it had been her she would have taken Sirius's head off.

After Peter had scrubbed himself for fifteen minutes straight in scalding hot water, Sirius was apologizing, while laughing his head off. Of course, by this time, Sirius was the only one laughing. Remus was STILL mad over being ripped from his dream, Peter was mad over poop, James was seething and thinking of ways to torture owls, and Lily was still feeling scared and a little shaken up.

So Lily did the same thing that _anyone_ would do.

She pulled out the booze.

Remembering that she still had some rum left over from Christmas, Lily pulled out the bottle that was hidden in her trunk and took a swig in front of everyone. There was no point in hiding it anyway; they would have smelled it on her.

"Erm," James said as he watched her, "Is that alcohol?"

Lily winced slightly as the liquid burned down her throat. She didn't particularly like the taste, but extreme times called for extreme measures. And this was most definitely an extreme time. Crazy, psychopathic, murderous owls chasing people around the room was enough to drive anyone to drink.

Instead of answering James, she simply held the bottle out to him. He winced as pain shot through his hands, but was grateful and drank anyway.

"Everyone can have some," she said to the other boys, "except for Sirius."

Sirius immediately stopped laughing and proceeded to glare at her.

"Lily," he said in a low voice as James passed the bottle to Peter, "I think if you don't want other people to know about Ronald McDonald, you had better share with me."

Lily sighed in defeat. She most DEFINITELY did NOT want Peter and Remus to know that she had dreamed about Ronald McDonald in her bed last night…but then again, would they even know who that was?

Sirius simply grinned as Remus finished drinking and passed the bottle over to him.

James, who was sadly looking down at his hands, sighed. "You know, _this_," he held up his hands, "is just like that time that cat attacked you, Sirius, so you shouldn't think it's funny."

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Er, that wasn't me, that was Peter. And it wasn't a cat, it was a turtle."

Lily shook her head in confusion. "Wait, how did you get attacked by a _turtle_?"

"WAIT A MINUTE," Remus interrupted before Peter could answer, "Remember that little conversation we were having earlier?" He asked James who glared at him. "About who knew their friends better? I thought you said you knew more." He grinned. "How could you forget Peter's turtle accident?"

James almost looked like he wanted to laugh in remembrance (while Lily was wondering what the hell the turtle had done to Peter) before he decided that he would rather glower at Remus instead.

"Remus, I'm not in the mood right now." He said simply as he eyed the bottle of rum that Lily had set back on top of her trunk.

"Hm…" Remus nodded. "It's funny that you're not in the mood when you know you're wrong."

And that was when Remus and James proceeded to stare each other down.

For fifteen minutes.

"AH!" Lily finally screamed, bringing everyone's attention to her. "Stop staring at each other already!"

Rolling his eyes, Remus crossed his arms over his chest and went back to staring at James. "I will as soon as Prongs admits that he's wrong."

"When did this become an argument?" Peter asked in confusion.

Lily wondered the same thing. This argument about who knew their friends better seemed to stem from…nowhere in particular. But it was Remus who had started it, if she was remembering correctly. Perhaps it was a result from being ripped from his dream. Maybe, like everyone else in the room, he was becoming so weak from hunger that he was starting to slowly lose his mind.

"I don't know," Sirius answered Peter, "But they're both wrong; I know more than both of them put together."

James and Remus both scoffed as Lily, becoming bored, opened the rum and took a few small sips from it.

"Sirius," James laughed, "How could you possibly know more than us when all you do is chase girls, eat, sleep, and poop?"

Sirius glared as Remus snorted. "I don't poop _that_ much," he muttered quietly.

Peter came over and sat next to Lily on her trunk. She passed him the rum without looking at him and he murmured his thanks before drinking.

"They'll go on like this for the next hour if we don't stop them," he said to her quietly.

"Oh great," she responded sarcastically, "how fun for us."

Peter nodded. "I know…that's why I have a plan. Have you got some parchment, quills, and ink in here?" he motioned to her trunk.

"Uh, yeah," she said slowly, "what are you planning?"

He shrugged. "I don't know, lets just see what comes out of my mouth." He grinned at her confused look. "I just make this stuff up as I go along."

"But I thought you said you had a plan." She pointed out.

"I did," he nodded, "and I do. My plan is to…come up with a random plan on the spot."

Lily fought the urge to scratch her head in confusion. Peter was a very…odd person. But at least he wasn't trying to annoy the hell out of her for kicks like Remus and Sirius enjoyed doing. Instead he was just really…weird in his own special way.

She watched as he stood up between the three arguing boys.

"To settle this," he said loudly and they all looked at him, "I propose…" he looked like he was thinking for a moment before answering. "A game."

"What game?" James asked curiously.

"Er," Peter said, searching his thoughts, "a game to see who knows each other better." He glanced over at Lily. "Hence the need for parchment and quills and ink. I knew I would need it…" He drifted off as he nodded.

Lily was very confused. She tried to get this strange series of events strait in her head. One) Peter was weird. Two) Peter apparently had no train of thought and just spoke randomly and said whatever he wanted. Three) Lily was very puzzled about why he had asked for parchment, quills, and ink before he even knew that he was going to need it. And four) Why was she even thinking of this? Why was her mind so preoccupied with thoughts of Peter's thoughts? Why couldn't stop? WHY? WHY? WWWHHYYYYYYY?

Lily didn't know.

"And what are the fundamentals of this game?" Remus asked.

"We see who knows the other better by writing down questions about each of you," Peter explained as he pointed out James, Remus, and Sirius, "and then you have to answer every question correctly. Whoever gets the most questions right…wins."

"What do we win?" Sirius asked excitedly.

"The argument." Lily said simply. "And the respect of your friends."

Sirius looked let down. "What? That's it? That sucks!"

"YOU suck!" Lily yelled.

Everyone stared at her.

"Er, ok, so I'll be the judge," Peter said after a moment, "I'll write down the questions, and make them all equally hard. And no cheating, you have to go over there while I write them down." He pointed at the window and the other boys rolled their eyes and walked off.

Lily opened her trunk and handed him the essentials before settling back on top of it again.

"Hey Lily," he said just as he had the quill poised over the parchment.

"Yeah?"

"I just remembered something…" he said and blinked a few times. "But…I'll tell you later. Don't let me forget."

Lily just looked at him worriedly.


	16. Chapter 16: Peter's Truth REVEALED!

…**And in the Twenty Second Hour…**

"Peter, just tell me what it is!" Lily persisted, but Peter ignored her in favor of scribbling on the parchment.

He had been ignoring her or shushing her for the past five minutes. But Lily couldn't understand it…Why would you tell someone that you had something to tell them, and then say nevermind? It was driving her crazy. She HAD to know what it was. Obviously it was something big. It had to be. He had said it so ominously that she was sure that it was something terrible.

The more she thought about when he had said that, the crazier the memory got. She was almost at the point where she couldn't remember what had really happened, but she was sure that it had been something like-

_Flashback_

"LILY!" Peter said in hushed, panicked tone, "I have to tell you _something_." He put an EXTREME amount of emphasis on that last word, and as he said it, storm clouds broke out in his eyes. His eyes became darker, the lines of his face more serious. His WHOLE BODY was SCREAMING that whatever it was that he had to tell her, it was going to be the most important thing she would ever hear.

And Lily could SWEAR that his gaze shifted over to Remus, James, and Sirius. It had to be James. James must be in trouble. Maybe he had done something awful. Whatever it was that Peter had to tell her, Lily HAD to know what it was and she had to know NOW.

"What is it?" She asked in a terrified voice, but Peter had just laughed and waved her off.

"Oooooh nothing." He said offhandedly before his gaze shifted back to where the boys were standing. They shifted so fast, it was almost undetectable. Then, suddenly, Peter lost his nonchalant look, and the storm clouds were back. He was suddenly very, VERY serious. "I'll you…_later_."

There was that extreme emphasis again.

_End flashback_

And now that we've seen the flashback of what Lily is absolutely certain is the truth and has in no way been overdone by her overactive mind, we know why she HAS to find out what Peter has to say.

"Peter, if you don't tell me, I'm going to lose my mind!" She said shrilly as she none-too-gently ruffled her hair with both hands in anxiety.

He looked up from his paper with a lifted eyebrow. "Your hair is a mess."

"Tell me!"

He sighed. "Lily, it's no big deal, relax. I'll tell you when-"

"NO!" she pleaded. "Tell me now! Tell me! Tell me! TELL ME!"

"Good grief!" He looked rather annoyed but Lily didn't care at the moment. The curiosity alone was going to kill her.

"Tell me!"

"Fine!" He sighed again. "I just remembered that the other day-"

"Hey Lily, can I have a piece of your candy?" James popped up from no where with the Easter basket that the evil owl had brought. She almost screamed in agitation but managed to control herself.

"Yeah, sure," she waved him off. "Go over there, don't look at the questions."

James was grinning as he walked away with the basket. Lily took a split second to appreciate his backside as he walked off. He had nice backside. At least, that was what Lily thought. Even when she had hated him, she could still appreciate a good butt.

Shaking away her thoughts of butts, and failing miserably, Lily turned back to Peter.

"Ok, butt—I mean, **what** were you saying?"

"The other day," he started quietly, "actually, it was like a week ago…or was it two weeks? I forgot, let me think," he scratched his chin in thought.

"I don't care when it was, just tell me!" She snapped impatiently.

"Yeah, it was most definitely three weeks ago," Peter continued as though he hadn't heard her. "I know it was three weeks ago because it was right after that quidditch match versus Hufflepuff where James almost-"

"Oh for the love of-" Lily said in exasperation. "Just tell me already!"

"Fine," Peter said, looking offended. "Two weeks ago, I was in my room…er, actually, I was in the bathroom," he blushed. "You know…"

She stared. "Taking a crap?"

"Lily!" He looked appalled before he suddenly chortled. "Yes. Haha…you said crap."

Once again, Lily thought about how gross boys were. "Please just get on with the freaking story!"

"Oh yeah," Peter said, "so I was laying some cable-"

Despite her impatience, Lily burst into a fit of giggles and Peter soon joined her.

"What are you two laughing about?" Remus called from the other side of the room.

He was only answered with more giggling.

"Ok...anyway, continue," Lily finally said after a moment.

"Ok," Peter nodded. "So I was dropping some dumplings-"

"OH MY GOD!" Lily burst into laughter again and quickly tried to compose herself. "Stop doing that!"

"Doing what?" Peter asked with a mischievous glint in his eye.

"You know what!"

"Alright," he said slowly as she got her laughter under control, "so I was-" he stopped and looked at Lily as she fought to control herself, "using the bathroom…When Sirius and Remus walked into the room. They were talking, and honestly, I don't know how they didn't smell it because it was BAD."

Lily pinched her leg to keep from laughing.

"Continue," she told Peter through gritted teeth.

"But they were talking about you…and James…and how to best…get you two together…."

_Flashback_

Peter quietly washed his hands as he listened to Sirius and Remus talking in the next room. He wasn't particularly trying to be quiet, but he had the strange feeling that at some point later in time he would wish that he had been silent and listened to what his friends were saying. So he quietly pressed his ear to the door and what he heard was-

"They're fighting so much more lately, I don't know why," Sirius was saying, "and everytime they fight, Prongs becomes more and more depressed. I hate seeing him like that. He says that she asked him out for the next Hogsmeade trip last week. Do you believe that story?"

"Actually," Remus said, "her friend Debbie told me that it was true….Wow…I don't know how they're going to stand each other's company for a whole date if they keep fighting so much. Lily's got to like him at least a little if she asked him out."

"Maybe," Sirius said. "And if she doesn't…Remus, we have to make her. We have to do _something_ or else Prongs is going to run and jump off a cliff in all his misery."

"So what do you propose?" Remus asked.

The room fell silent for a long while. Peter almost thought that maybe they had left without him knowing it when suddenly Sirius spoke again.

"We could always-"

"I know!" Remus said suddenly, "let's lock them in a room together!"

"No," Sirius said, sounding excited, "let's TRAP them in a room together!"

"Yeah, we could get some of that magical glue and put it on the lock or something," Remus said, sounding like he was really enjoying himself. "They have different time amounts you can get…twelve hours, six hours, and twenty four hours."

"Twenty four hours!" Sirius said happily. "We can trap them in a room together for twenty four hours and MAKE Lily like him. I'm positive it could work."

"Why wouldn't it?" Remus piped cheerfully.

Sirius laughed. "It will work! And when it does, Prongs might be so grateful that he gives me his broomstick!"

"Um…ew."

"Not that, you perv," Sirius said, "I mean his actual broomstick."

Remus chuckled and the sound of someone getting hit echoed through the door to Peter.

"Ow," Remus said, "Anyway…I guess we'll get some next week when we go to Hogsmeade."

"Yes, definitely."

_End flashback_

"IT WAS REMUS?" Lily burst loudly, causing everyone in the room to turn to her.

"Well, technically, it was both of them," Peter pointed out, "But…yeah, Remus came up with it."

"What was me?" Remus asked worriedly.

"YOU trapped us in here!" Lily pointed an accusing finger at him. "This whole thing was all your idea!"

"Oh…what do you know…?" Remus said sheepishly, "I guess it was….sorry."

There were several things Lily could do at the moment. She could scream, she could cry, she could throw herself down on the floor and kick and scream and cry, she could go lay down in her bed and wish really, REALLY hard for this nightmare to be over, she could attack Remus, she could throw Remus out of the window, she could wait until she got out of here and hexed Remus to within an inch of his life, she could run over for no reason at all and grab James's amazingly toned butt, or she could take it like a lady.

Lily couldn't decide which of these she would rather do, so she did the same thing that _anyone_ would do.

She pulled out the booze.

Or to be more precise, she picked the booze that she had already pulled out and took a big swig of it. Yes, because alcohol can fix all your problems.

Let's not forget that, kids.

…

**A/N: LOL please don't take that last line seriously. Alcohol fixes nothing! **

**Just to add some random fun to this, pick one of those things that Lily wanted to do and whichever gets the most votes, Lily will do in the next chapter.**


	17. Chapter 17: James And The Fudge

…**And in the Twenty Third Hour…**

Lily ran over and grabbed James's butt. Of course, she did this after everyone else was preoccupied (Peter was writing the last questions for his game while Remus and Sirius were arguing), but that's not really worth mentioning.

James, who had been rifling through the candy in the Easter basket, stopped and turned to look at her curiously.

"Lily, did you just come up and grope me?" He asked.

"Yes," she said simply before setting down the bottle of rum in her other hand. She eyed it for a moment, wondering if hard liquor on an empty stomach was cause for the sudden urge for butt pinching. Well, it probably wasn't responsible for the _urge_ for butt pinching; she always wanted to do that. But it was probably the reason that she had lost control of herself and commenced with the said butt pinching.

James, his eyebrow raised, looked back at her for another moment before he finally shrugged. "Ok then."

"Yep," Lily nodded before pressing her cheek to his back and wrapping her arms around his middle. "I love you," she said quietly. "I didn't get to finish saying that earlier when that owl came in."

James shuddered. "I love you too…and let's forget about that owl."

She nodded in agreement at his back. She would very much like to forget any of that ever happened.

"Only two hours left," James commented as he gazed out at the bright sunshine. "Are you excited?"

"All I can think about right now is how hungry I am," she said miserably. "All I've had in hours is a few crackers."

"Want some fudge?" He passed her back a piece over his shoulder without waiting for an answer.

"Thank you," she said quietly before eagerly taking it from him and biting into it.

"So…" James cleared his throat after a moment's silence. "What are you planning for Remus?"

"Oh I have a few ideas," she said in a voice that promised retribution. "But first…"

James felt the arms around his waist disappear and watched as Lily, a scary, almost…_insane_ look in her eye, marched over to where Remus was standing. Now, don't think that James doesn't love Lily, or is unbelievably happy to be spending the rest of his life with her. But at moments such as these, James couldn't help but feel a bit apprehensive about his days to come with her.

That look in her eye scared him.

But of course, at the same time it excited him. There was something about making Lily angry that was very fun to watch. Yet, there was something about making Lily angry that could terrify a person to his very soul. It was fifty/fifty really…When Lily was mad, James could never tell if he was having fun or not.

But right now it wasn't directed at him, so it should be fun to watch.

"Lupin!" Lily snapped and Remus dived behind Sirius. Lily ignored this and continued speaking. "I've decided your fate."

"Ok," Remus said slowly, "Lily, let's talk about this. Let's _calm down_."

The words were like a trigger. Sirius, Remus, and James watched worriedly as one of her eyes once again started to twitch. Peter, however, either didn't notice any of this or just didn't care because he just kept on writing down the questions for his game.

"Er," Remus tried, "What I meant to say was-"

"I want you out of the room," Lily interrupted, "and you're going out the window."

"Evans!" Sirius said suddenly, "That's called murder. _Murder_."

"Thank you, Black, I know what it's called," Lily said sarcastically.

Sirius gaped. "Good _God woman_, get a hold of yourself!"

Sirius barely managed to dodge Lily's kick. Remus ran off, leaving Sirius behind, Lily growled and chased after him, Sirius ran after Lily, and James pulled out another piece of fudge and ate it while he casually watched his wife trying to murder his friends.

Peter glanced up from writing the last question to see Lily on Remus's back, screaming like an enraged lunatic, Remus screaming like a little girl, Sirius attempting to pry Lily off of Remus and screaming at Lily to be quiet because she was hurting his ears.

Sirius finally managed to get Lily off of Remus's back, but she wiggled around so much he immediately dropped her, leaving Remus's back unprotected once again.

"AAAH!" Remus screamed in horror as he stumbled over his own feet, trying to get away from the red head.

Peter lifted an eyebrow, shrugged, and went back to writing, and James choked on the fudge.

Lily nearly had a hold of Remus, Remus was contemplating hitting a girl (that is, if she didn't _kill him_ first), and Sirius had just given up and sat down on Debbie's bed when Remus ran smack into the window.

Ten minutes later, Sirius and James were still laughing. Remus was flinching everytime Lily came near him. Lily felt really bad because she hadn't actually meant to throw him out of the window (or into it for that matter). All she had really wanted to do was scare him a little bit. And she at least had managed to do that much.

As she brought over a wet washcloth for the bump on his forehead, he watched her wearily as she drew closer.

"Lupin, look, I'm sorry you got hurt," she said loudly to be heard over Sirius and James. "I didn't mean to hurt you, even if you did deserve it."

Remus simply glared up at her and didn't say a word.

"I honestly didn't!" She argued at his look. "I swear I wasn't actually going to throw you out of the window," she promised. "Besides, if I did that I would be probably be expelled and get into a lot of trouble. I don't think killing you would be worth it all."

Remus continued to glare.

"Fine!" Lily threw her hands up in exasperation. "Be that way. But you have to admit that you _did_ deserve it. It was all your idea to lock me in here with James so the universe is just paying you back for that. Or, the window is paying you back."

Remus had no comment. He continued to glare up at her as if the words went right over his head.

"Remus," she said slowly, trying to get _some_ reaction out of him.

He glared.

"Remus. Remus. Reeeeemuuussss."

More glaring.

"You're being unfair. I'm actually trying to be nice to you for once. You ran into that window remember, I didn't throw you into it."

Remus glared.

"Remus!" Lily finally snapped and James and Sirius fell silent at her tone. "If you don't say something I'm going to….to…" She searched her head for something—_anything_ to say. "If you don't say something, I'm going to cry!" She threatened.

Remus glared…and then he blinked.

"I've decided something," he said slowly. "I've decided that I don't like you, Lily. You're mean and scary and you always try to hurt us."

Sirius, James, and Peter turned and watched Lily with wide eyes for her reaction. They all wondered silently if Remus suddenly had some sort of death wish. He was right; Lily was mean and scary…when you made her mad.

Lily blinked…and then—"Ha!" She triumphantly pointed a finger at Remus. "I got you to say something!"

Remus lifted an eyebrow at this. "I said that I don't like you."

"Yeah, so?" Lily shrugged as if this were no big deal.

"So…" Remus trailed off into silence as he stared at her in confusion. Lily had some strange mood swings. "Huh…I guess I do like you…a little bit."

Lily grinned brightly.

"Done!" Peter announced.

This whole strange conversation and the events before it were completely forgotten as everyone went over to Peter. Lily sat on her trunk as Peter stood with James on his left and Remus on his right. Sirius stood in front of him and Lily noticed that he now held her rum in one hand and he drank from it as Remus and James started trash talking.

"You're going down Potter," Remus said, "Just like your mom."

"Oh!" Sirius laughed and Peter grinned.

"Yeah?" James countered, "The only thing going down here is you! Just like…your mom."

"James, that was just lame." Sirius said, sounding disappointed.

"Hey, that's what Lily says every night!" Remus grinned.

"OK, that's enough," James said quickly with a sideways glance at Lily.

Peter waited for Remus and Sirius to stopped laughing before he proceeded. "Alright," he said, "Here's how we're doing it. Sirius, since you said it was ok, you're going to be the lifeline. If Remus or James can't remember the answer to a question, they can choose you to help them out. But they can only do this three times."

James and Remus nodded. Sirius took a swig from the bottle of rum.

"I'll go back and forth between both of you, asking the questions. There are ten questions in all and the first one to answer the most correctly wins. You can only get three wrong, anymore and you lose. Everybody got it?"

They all nodded again.

"Go James!" Lily cheered.

"Thank you sweetheart," James smiled at her, causing the other boys to grimace.

"Ok," Peter said, "You first James."

James stared at Peter, mentally readying himself for this VERY serious game.

"When Sirius was little, he used to play with his neighbor Yvette." Peter read from his parchment, "Sirius liked Yvette just fine but he hated her pet dog because it bit him once. WHAT breed of dog was it?"

James stared. "Ok, that's a stupid question. But for some reason I know the answer. It was Chow."

"That's correct!" Peter announced and Lily applauded. "But I'm taking a point away because you said my question was stupid."

"You can't do that!" James argued but Peter had already turned to Remus.

"Remus! For all the years we have known him James talks about three things in his sleep. These things are Lily, quidditch, and quilting. In order, name which things he talks about most-" Peter held up a hand to stop Remus as he started to answer- "in the month of_September_."

"Oh, that's easy!" Remus grinned. "Quilting is number one, then Lily, then quidditch."

"Correct!"

"WHAT!" Lily and James screamed in unison.

"I talk in my sleep?" James yelped.

"You talk about quilting?" Lily shrieked.

"His mother quilts a lot," Sirius told her, "so when he comes back at the beginning of the year all he dreams about is quilting. Don't worry," he smirked, "by November you're number one on that list."

Lily smiled, feeling slightly better, but James was still gaping at the other boys. "_All these years_ I have been talking in my sleep and _no one_ ever thought to tell me about it?"

"Next question!" Peter said brightly as he turned to James. "James, in fourth year I went to Hogsmeade with Silvia whats-her-face from Ravenclaw," Peter said, obviously not remembering this girl's last name, "But I was so nervous through the whole thing that I kept-"

"Farting!" James screamed.

"Correct!"

"You made that a question?" Lily asked Peter. "Wouldn't you rather forget that?"

Peter shrugged nonchalantly. "It was sad at first…but now it's just funny." He turned to Remus. "Remus, back in the summer before sixth year, we all went to a party where Sirius got drunk," he grinned as Sirius groaned. "Sirius broke a bone at that party. What bone did he break and HOW did he break it?"

Remus chuckled before answering. "Sirius wanted to dance-" James and Peter burst into laughter, "and he wanted a dancing partner-" the laughter grew louder, "so he went up to what he thought was a girl, which actually turned out to be a giant dude-" Lily started giggling, "and he said to the guy, 'Hey pretty lady, come boogie away with a very serious boy'." Remus laughed for a while before he could finally continue, "and so the guy—ha-ha—the guy punched him the face and Sirius flew backwards into a table and broke his tailbone."

Sirius did not find this amusing in the least, and simply stood and glowered as everyone else laughed until their faces turned red.

"Damn you Peter," he ground his teeth together; "You just wanted an excuse to tell that story!"

Peter just giggled in response and tried to regain his composure. "Ahem…Ok," he said a few moments later after they had all calmed down, "That was correct, Remus. James," he turned to James, "What is Remus's middle name?"

Remus blinked for a moment, wondering if he had heard right. No, surely James wouldn't tell them what that J really stood for. He had never told them the truth, he had never told anyone what middle name he had been given at birth. To spare himself of any teasing, he had simply lied and told everyone that it was John.

John was good, normal, common name. However, his _actual_middle name was NOT in any way shape or form normal or common and was NOT good. The only reason James knew it was that he found out by pure accident one day. Remus had sworn him to secrecy, and he had kept his promise.

But just because he had kept that promise didn't mean that he would tell the others that he knew _something_ about Remus's middle name. They had immediately figured out that John must not be his real name, and had since tried everything they could to get both Remus and James to tell them.

And Remus had been certain that his secret was safe…until now.

On either side of him, Peter and Sirius held their breath in anticipation as they stared at James. Remus gave him an almost pleading look, but he knew it was no use. James grinned almost…_sadistically_.

…

**A/N: Ok, so many of you have asked for a sequel. Sigh…I've thought about it (though if I wrote one I have no earthly idea what it would be about) and I'm really, really, _really_leaning towards no. Thank you all for reading, reviewing, and enjoying this story. I'm happy that it's made many others happy and made a lot of you laugh, which it what it was intended to do.**

**I'm inexpressibly grateful for all of the comments, every 'I love you', every 'Update NOW!' and especially to those of you who consistently come back chapter after chapter to read and to motivate me further. But I've kind of lost steam on this story and I'm anxious to move on and write other things. I will be back to write more Lily/James (eventually) but I think if I tried again right now it would turn out to be a big, steaming pile of crap that would cheat you all of your time.**

**Speaking of time, I don't have much so I'm heading off now. Thank you and _au revoir!_**


	18. Chapter 18: A Very Sirius Ending

…**And in the Twenty Fourth Hour…**

"James, please," Remus pleaded quietly, but he knew there was no point. The horrible secret of his name that Remus had kept secret for all these years was about to come out and there was nothing he could do about it.

Already he was thinking up different plans of revenge in his head, but he had to wonder if what Lily had said earlier had been true. Maybe the universe was getting him back for locking them all in here.

Though when he thought about it, they hadn't really had such a bad time in here…forgetting the hunger, the fighting for their lives against killer birds and Lily Evans, being ripped from amazing dreams, being handcuffed to bedposts and tortured, having things drawn on their face when they were knocked out cold, and then finding out that one of his best friends had been lying to him about his relationship with Lily were not things that he would like remembering later on.

But on second thought…Sirius being handcuffed to the bed and taunted by Lily had been fun to watch.

But let's get back to the subject.

James was about to tell Remus's secret, and Remus was none to happy about it. If he told…well, Remus was still concocting that list.

"Peter, _everyone_," James grinned, "Remus's middle name is," James paused for dramatic affect as Sirius and Peter leaned in closer. Remus was already cringing, silently imagining himself throwing James under the wheels of the Hogwarts Express.

James opened his mouth, deliberately taking as much time as possible to further dramatize the moment. He took a deep breath and-

"Hey James!" Lily piped up and ran over to him. To Remus's surprise, she cupped a hand over his mouth as she smiled sweetly at the other three boys. "I have to talk to you for one quick second," she told James before half dragging him away, her arm wrapped around his head and her hand still over his mouth.

She dragged him into the bathroom and slammed the door shut before letting him go. He moved away from her before sending her a _what the hell_ look.

"You can't tell them his middle name," she said without any preamble. "Whatever it is, I gather that it must be atrocious for him to be begging you not to tell anyone."

James nodded. "It _is_ atrocious. His middle name isn't John like he tells everyone, it's J-"

"I don't care what it is!" Lily waved a hand in annoyance. "But you can't tell them."

"Why not?" He asked in confusion. "Don't you want me to tell? It would be perfect revenge for all of this," he gestured towards the door leading to the bedroom.

"I know," she said quietly, "but I have my reasons."

"And they are…?"

Lily dropped her head, causing her hair to fall over her face. She didn't want to tell James that she wanted to help Remus because he had said that he didn't like her. She didn't want to admit that she hoped that maybe if she did help Remus out, he would like her the tiniest bit. It wasn't like she cared about how everyone thought of her and had to be friends with everyone. But this was Remus, one of James's best friends. And she had always kind of liked Remus in a weird way.

Sure he could be annoying, and went along and broke every school rule with the rest of his friends, but there was always something different about Remus that she had noticed.

And the difference was…he had a nice butt.

It was no where near as nice as James' (no one's could ever be nicer than the butt of the one you loved), but it had its good qualities. James's butt was toned and muscled from quidditch workouts. Remus's butt was his natural God-given good looks. Don't get her wrong, she loved James (and his butt) and wouldn't trade him for the world.

But…she wasn't blind.

But this wasn't the only reason she was helping him out of course. It was also because he was one of James's best friends, and since she and James were husband and wife now, Remus, Peter, and Sirius would always be there. And if Remus didn't like her, then things might not be so pleasant when she wanted them to be.

So for obvious reasons, Lily only told James that last part. He nodded slowly in understanding and then pouted.

"OK, I get it…I just wish I haven't been bursting with that secret for years." He sighed. "I guess I'll just have to deal with it. Remus is my friend after all and I don't want to damage him too badly." He grinned as he pulled her closer and into a hug. "Thank you for convincing me."

She nodded into his chest before slipping away and opening the bathroom door.

"Ok, lets…" the words died on her lips as she opened the door and was met with the sight of Sirius and Peter looking oddly disgusted and amused at the same time as they stared at them, and Remus standing behind them and grinning evilly.

"What?" She asked slowly just as James came out behind her and met them with a curious stare.

Sirius blinked slowly. "Remus just told us a story," he said as he looked at James, "that your mother told him…he said that she said…that when you were little you used to put on your grandmother's knickers and run around the front garden while screaming, 'I'm old lady James, look at my teeny weenie.'"

Sirius looked like he wasn't sure whether he wanted to laugh or cry. Peter's expression mirrored his own while Remus looked to be fighting very hard not to laugh. Lily gasped at hearing this and turned to James to find that he was blushing a deep scarlet as he gaped at Remus.

"You son of a bitch!" He yelped in horror. He opened and closed his mouth over and over again as though he wanted to say something to defend himself, but couldn't quite think of the right thing to say. Really though, what could he possibly say to rectify the situation?

There was only one thing.

He pointed an accusing finger at Remus. "His middle name is Jingleheimer!"

Peter, Sirius, and for some reason, Lily, all gasped and had big grins on their faces at this. They all looked like they were thoroughly enjoying themselves now. Now it was Remus's turn to blush, though he was no where near as red as James.

"You're name is _Jingleheimer_?" Sirius shrieked in disbelief and he, Peter, and Lily looked at him anxiously to see his answer.

"Yes," he said quietly before turning murderous eyes to James. "And James's mother also told me a few other stories." He said maliciously. "Like how when she would finally get him inside after he frolicked around outside in his grandmother's knickers, he would put on her dresses and prance around like a pretty princess."

"She did not say that I pranced like a princess!" James spluttered. "You…you…" he glanced around at the other three who were watching him in excitement now. "I was three years old! I don't even remember that! I only know it happened because they told me."

"And the pictures," Remus said casually, causing Peter, Lily, and Sirius to jerk their attention to him again. "Those were fantastic."

Lily struggled not to laugh. She couldn't laugh; it would just hurt James's feelings if she did. Peter started giggling, however, and Sirius slowly shook his head with his grin still in place.

"This is just _sad_," he said, "Remus Jingleheimer Lupin and James granny panties Potter."

Lily couldn't help it; she snorted loudly but managed to turn it into a long, drawn out cough. James lifted an eyebrow her way and glared at her suspiciously before turning to Sirius.

"Oh yeah? You think that's sad?" James asked. "I think it's sad that you lied about snogging Sarah Duggins in the broom closet just to impress us."

Sirius gasped. "HOW-"

"Sarah Duggins was with me that day," James said flatly, "snogging behind greenhouse two."

Sirius glared, Remus glared, Peter was still laughing over James's underwear story, or Remus's name, they weren't sure, and Lily looked up at James and asked curiously, "Why didn't you say that when he first told you that story?"

James shrugged. "I didn't really care. And I figured that I could use the story to my advantage one day."

"Oh, now who's the son of a bitch?" Sirius asked, glaring at James.

"Still Remus," James replied easily.

"YEAH," Sirius said loudly, looking like he was thinking up something to say, "well—I guess if you're going to tell everyone about _that,_then I won't have any trouble telling anyone about last summer. When you peed all over yourself."

"Ew," Lily wrinkled her nose as Remus and Peter snorted.

"I was laughing-" James flushed, "I couldn't help myself. It didn't help that Sirius purposely blocked the door to the bathroom."

Sirius looked at him innocently. "What? Prongs, don't make things up. You peed on yourself because you felt like it."

Lily giggled behind her hand but quickly stifled it when James shot her a look. Sirius was nodding as though this was true, Peter was laughing in a ball on the floor, and Remus was stepping forward to stand in-between them.

"Ok, I think that's enough," Remus said, "How about we get back to the game-"

"Be quiet Jingleheimer!" James snapped and the other three burst into giggles.

Remus's face fell into a glare as he stared at James. "You are a horrible man."

It took ten minutes for Peter to roll out of his ball and stop laughing, though now he and Sirius were standing next to each other and snickering. Lily was trying desperately to keep herself from giggling. Everytime she thought she might be losing her control she simply thought of something disgusting and NOT funny at all.

The first thing she thought of had been of Hagrid in a pink tutu. That image alone would probably (sadly) stick with her for a while and it efficiently grossed her out and made her stop laughing. But eventually her mind had drifted, and she figured that keeping her mind set on the picture of Hagrid in a tutu, twirling around in a giant pair of pink slippers was not something she should concentrate on for very long or very hard.

So the next unfunny thing she had thought of had been of James and Slughorn in a heated snogging session. That hadn't lasted long—she had simply thought of the expression on James's face if she had told him she had pictured such a thing. That thought was too funny and she had accidently snorted quietly into her hand.

She was most definitely going to have to tell James about that later.

And that was when her thoughts drifted to James's butt. James butt in blue jeans, James's butt in a pair of boxers, James's butt on his broomstick, flying through the air, James's butt sitting on a stool, James's butt being pinched, and James's butt shaking furiously to a fast beat in a pair of sparkly bellbottoms…

The snort she let out that time was a lot louder and James jerked his narrowed eyes at her.

After casually clearing her throat and looking at the ceiling, Lily quickly thought of something else.

Her thought of choice turned out to be of Slytherin house. Slytherins weren't funny; far from it in fact. But then…for some strange reason…probably the alcohol she had consumed…the image of every Slytherin dressed in a pair of sparkly bellbottoms and shaking their butts like there was no tomorrow plagued her mind.

"What are you thinking about?" Remus asked as he glanced over at her curiously.

For a moment, Lily considered telling him. But then she decided against it…that would be very traumatizing…It would be like…perfect _payback_.

"I was thinking of every Slytherin wearing nothing but a pair of sparkly bellbottoms and shaking their butts." She said seriously…or as seriously as she could while saying such a thing and not burst into laughter.

Remus simply stared at her for a long moment, looking none too pleased at hearing this. Behind him, Sirius and James wore identical repulsed expressions. Hearing her words was what had finally gotten Peter to stop laughing.

Remus continued to stare at her, but Lily could see in his eyes that a piece of his mind had just shattered. She was glad. He deserved it.

"Why?" He finally asked, sounding distressed.

She leveled her gaze with him. "You know why." She told him firmly. Then she added quickly-"Now imagine them all naked and mud wrestling and I'll forgive you."

"AH!" Remus shut his eyes tight but that only served to worsen the image since he had nothing else to look at. He quickly opened his eyes again and shot Lily a look that could blister paint. "I find it sick that that image was made up in your head!"

Lily could honestly agree with him on that. Who knew why her mind was suddenly so sick and procuring these obscenely disturbing pictures and scenarios. But like everything else so far that day, she was ready to place the blame on the alcohol. Hm…maybe she had been wrong. Maybe alcohol _didn't_make everything better.

Ha, _yeah right_.

Though she agreed with him, and was also repulsed by the images that she herself had conjured up in her own mind, Lily played indifference as she waved a bored hand in Remus's direction. "Whatever," she said in a bored tone.

"Whatever?" Remus said loudly with a touch of panic to his tone. "That's all you have to say for ruining my LIFE?"

"Whatever you say Lupin," she sighed, "Hey look, a blue jay!" And she rushed away from him to the look out of the window, though she hadn't seen any blue jay at all. She had only wanted to the chance to stand with her back to him so she could smirk to herself.

It took five minutes for Remus to stop shuddering. In this time Peter and Sirius had stopped snickering (mostly) and James looked slightly less angry and embarrassed. Lily was sitting on her bed and eating what James had left of her Easter basket, and the unpleasant stomach ache after eating so many sweets was starting to creep up on her.

"OK," Peter said loudly as they finally got settled back and ready to resume the game. "I guess Remus's middle name was answered so James, you have answered all three correctly, and Remus you have answered two. And it's your turn," he said as he turned to Remus. "Are you ready?"

Remus nodded, though he still looked upset. Lily snickered.

"Alright," Peter nodded as he looked down at the parchment in his hand. "Remus, once—I don't remember exactly when—Sirius expressed his strange desire to be what underwater creature?"

"A merman," Remus said in a bored tone of voice.

"Correct!"

Lily snorted loudly but then groaned at the pain in her stomach. The strange part of _that_ question was that no one laughed about it. Peter, James, Remus, and for some reason Sirius, all nodded and continued on as if the thought of Sirius with a giant fin instead of legs _wasn't_ amusing. They all just stood there as if that topic was completely normal and not at all _insane_.

"James," Peter turned to look at him, "before I came to Hogwarts I was completely obsessed with what?"

James blinked before narrowing his eyes in concentration. "Oh…Uh…something to do with food I suppose…or was it…no, that wasn't it…" he drifted off as he thought.

"You can always use your lifeline," Sirius reminded him cheerfully.

"Yeah, sure," James shrugged, "because I don't remember."

"It was muggle music," Sirius said instantly. "Mostly the Beatles."

Peter nodded. "Correct."

Wincing in pain, Lily stumbled out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. She felt like she was going to be sick. Turns out drinking alcoholic beverages on an empty stomach and eating nothing but candy wasn't so good for your health. Who would have thunk it?

Obviously not Lily.

"Are you ok?" James asked her retreating form but she waved a hand at him.

"I'm fine," she said through gritted teeth before running into the bathroom and….well…we know what she did.

She sat slumped on the floor several minutes afterward, listening to the muffled sounds of the boys in the next room. Someone was screaming. At least it didn't sound like anyone was being murdered. It just sounded like someone—she thought it was Remus—screaming NOOOOOOOOOO very dramatically. She smiled quietly to herself before forcing her legs to stand and walk over to the sink.

After a whole minute of furiously brushing her teeth, Lily exited the bathroom and came back into the room to find James on his hands and knees and screaming into the floor, Remus pumping his fists in triumph and hopping around, and Peter and Sirius watching James and looking worried.

"Did I miss the end?" Lily asked them.

"No," Peter said as he shook his head. "You just missed James missing a question that he _should_have gotten.

"I got CONFUSED!" James wailed as he stood up again.

"The question was," Peter looked down at the parchment in his hand, "Last night Remus made up a story to Lily about how Sirius had put WHAT fruit juice inside of Remus's boxers?"

"Lemon," Lily said automatically.

"Yes," Peter nodded and then he pointed a finger at James. "Prongs here said lime."

"Oh James," Lily shook her head and tried not to laugh.

"Alright lets go!" Remus clapped his hands. "I'm about to beat James!"

Remus and James both prepared themselves as they leaned towards Peter.

"Ok," Peter said, "Remus, you've missed two and James has missed one. If he answers this correctly, he wins. If he gets it wrong and then you answer the next question correctly, you win."

Remus nodded anxiously.

"Huh?" Lily asked in confusion. "I thought James just went?"

"No," Sirius grinned, "that screaming he was doing was from two questions ago."

"Ok James," Peter said slowly, building the tension. "Remus's great grandfather was Irish. Remus only knew him for a short time before he died, but he has fond memories of him. Remember he was Irish…WHAT is the national flower of Ireland?"

"OH!" James clapped his hands together gleefully. "That's easy! It's the shamrock!"

"Correct! You win!"

"Yay!" Lily said and jumped up and down while clapping.

"WHAT!" Remus said in disbelief as he shook his head, looking confused.

"That's right, I won," James smirked as he bowed to them.

"That's not fair, that's not a question about us!" Remus argued with Peter.

Peter scratched the back of his head. "Well, I kind of ran out of ideas."

Remus glared at him. "And what was my next question going to be?"

Peter blushed as he glanced down at the slips of parchment in his hands. "Uh…How many planets are there?"

Remus stared at him for a moment, but he couldn't help it, he burst into laughter. He was quickly followed by the other three as Peter continued to blush.

"So—aha! After all this," Remus laughed loudly as he struggled to get the words out, "we still haven't—haha—we still haven't settled the argument?"

Peter shrugged. "I suppose not," he replied, but was drowned out by the loud laughter of his friends.

"Oh, that hurts," Lily groaned as she once again tried to steer her thoughts to the Slytherins in the mud…wrestling…naked…Thankfully in her head a giant elephant came up and squashed them.

"I know," James sighed as he tried to stop, "I don't think I've laughed as much as I have these past twenty four hours."

Their laughter dwindling down, they all nodded in agreement. The past day had had its ups and downs, but Lily realized with a jolt that it _had_ been fun at some points and she had laughed until she had cried several times. To think that she had been so mad when it had first happened, and here she was now, clutching her stomach and laughing with the group of them as if they were all best friends.

In an odd sort of way she almost felt like they were. It wasn't everyday that you went through some of things that they had. It wasn't everyday that you could say, 'Today I chained Sirius to the bed and tortured him' or 'Today I fought off an evil owl bent on trying to kill me'. She couldn't remember a time when she had laughed so much, and she couldn't recall when she had had so much fun in someone's company and at the same time wanted to kill said company.

But one thing was to be said about the day that they had spent together. And that was that Lily somehow felt…closer to them than she had before. Before they had been Sirius, Peter, and Remus, James's annoying friends who she avoided at all costs.

Now they were Sirius, Peter, and Jingleheimer, James's friends who made her laugh until her stomach hurt and weren't _so_bad to hang around with. Just as long as it wasn't for twenty four hours straight.

It was odd that at that exact moment, the door decided to let out a tiny click sound and open an inch or so.

"And we're free," Sirius said, sounding relieved. His stomach rumbled and so he rushed for the door, leaving the others behind as he stepped out into the brightly lit hallway. But as he stepped out, his foot nudged against something and if it hadn't been for the doorway to cling onto, he might have tripped.

After standing back, he looked down to find his wand sitting innocently down at his feet.

It had been right there next to the door the whole time. In fact, if someone had thought to stick their fingers under the door they would have been able to grab hold of it and let them all out. Sirius picked it up quickly and looked behind him, but no one seemed to notice. He quickly stuffed it into his pocket and tried to look innocent.

"Hurry up Padfoot, I'm hungry," Remus shoved him lightly from behind. Peter, who stood right next to him nodded in agreement.

"Hey Lily," Remus called over his shoulder. "Come have lunch with us and I'll teach you a new trick having to do with a spoon and," he gasped, "magic!"

"Alright," she said as she and James followed the other boys out of the door.

Lily grinned brightly, though Remus wasn't sure why.


End file.
